Love's Suicide Page 12

  “Hey there. Did you have a nice nap?”

  I smiled, realizing she’d come in to check on me. “Yes. This weather feels amazing.”

  “Just wait a couple of months when your belly is double in size and you feel like you’re goin’ to melt. Our summers are hot. I reckon one weekend we can all go to the beach. It’s not a far drive from here. Myrtle Beach has lots of families at it. The kids love it.”

  I helped her hang a shirt and walked over wrapping my arms around her. “I love you, Sarah. You’ve given me hope when I thought I had nothing to live for. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

  She hugged me back and started patting my shoulder. “Don’t talk like that. You’d be fine. Besides, everything happens for a reason. I’ve always believed that. Helping you was the Christian thing to do. Us being friends was an added bonus.”

  “Yes, but you welcomed me into your family. I could never begin to repay you.”

  “Your money is no good here.”

  I looked down at the ground when we separated. “Actually, there’s something I should probably tell you.”

  A look of concern washed over her face. “Are you in some kind of trouble?”

  I shook my head, immediately reassuring her that everything was fine. “No, it’s nothing like that. You see, when my parents died, they left me a lot of money. I’ve never been allowed to touch it, well, not until I’m a certain age. Anyway, my birthday is next June, and I was just thinking that maybe I could give you and Dave some of it, to help fix things in your house and such. It’s the least I can do and the baby and I aren’t going to need much. I’d have plenty of money to build us a house around here and bring her up right.”

  Sarah sat down on the grass and I followed her. She helped me get my footing to sit and we looked out at the green pasture. “I’ve never had someone offer anything like that for my family. I’m not real sure I could take it.”

  I placed my hand on top of hers. “It’s a gift, Sarah. When I get it, I want it to be a gift.”

  “So, are we talkin’ like a grand? Dave would crap his pants if we had a grand.”

  I laughed, realizing how much different money was from where I was from. “I’m talking like twenty-five grand.”

  Sarah started to cry. “I can’t let you do that.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  She wept in my lap for the longest time and it was the first time I’d ever felt someone being grateful for something I was going to do. It made me feel so good to be able to offer something to them. After all, they were all I had and I wanted my daughter to always know she could count on them if something happened to me. That’s what led me to my next statement. “Sarah, before the baby is born, I wanted to ask you something. You can talk to Dave about it, but it’s important to me to have it in order.”

  “Anything.” She wiped her eyes and perked up.

  “I want to sit down with a lawyer and have something drawn up, in case something happens to me. I don’t want her being taken by the state.”

  “I would never let that happen.”

  “There’s one more thing. If something does happen to me, I want you to find Brooks. I’ll make sure his parents contact information is in the documents. He deserves to know about his daughter. I know it would mean the world to him.”

  Sarah agreed, but a few minutes later, she had another question for me and I wasn’t all the way prepared to answer it.

  “Katy, I’m wondering how you’re goin’ to feel once she’s here. I mean, you obviously still love the man. I can’t blame you for that, but can you honestly raise her without telling him she exists?”

  I started to tear up. “I don’t know. I think about it every single day. It eats me up inside. There’s nothing I want more than to show Brooks what our love made together. He’s away for the next two and a half years. By the time he comes home, she’ll already be walking around. I feel like it will be too late for him to understand and I sure as hell can’t send it to him in a letter, not that I even know an address to send it to.”

  She held my hand again. “No matter what you decide, I’ll stand by you. I just don’t want to see the regret in your eyes every time we talk about him.”

  She didn’t understand that I woke up with that regret and went to sleep with it at night.

  Chapter 17

  July 4th 2011

  “Katy, where are you?” I heard Sarah calling me, but I was too busy trying to find a sundress that didn’t make me look like a beached whale.

  “I’m back here.”

  Sarah came walking in wearing an American flag themed dress. “Aw, don’t you look cute?”

  “Don’t even go there. I can’t even see my whole body in the mirror anymore.”

  “Oh please. You’re the cutest pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. Besides, you’ve got a hot guy that would do anything for you. What do you care what anyone else thinks?”

  I smiled, thinking about Bobby. In the past three months we’d been spending one night a week together. Sometimes he would take me out to dinner. Other times we would rent a movie and just hang out at either of our houses.

  It wasn’t anything serious, considering that I was growing by the second. Sure, we’d kissed and I enjoyed his company, but we both knew I’d never be able to really love someone again.

  “Yeah, Bobby’s nice.”

  “Nice? Is that what you call it? I’d say he’s smitten over you. Dave said you’re all he talks about. They can’t even go huntin’ now without him talkin’ about you and the baby.”

  I rolled my eyes, assuming she was exaggerating. “I wouldn’t go that far. It ain’t like we’re madly in love, Sarah. We’re just good friends that enjoy each other’s company.”

  She laughed at me and watched me change my outfit again. When I’d exhausted my options, in which I mean I tried on the only three dresses that fit, I decided that I didn’t care anymore. It was hot as Hell and I hated being pregnant in it.

  This was my first Fourth of July living in Sumter, but I’d already seen the way the town celebrated. They had a parade practically once a month and the volunteer firemen were the next best thing since chocolate was invented. Coming from a place like the District of Columbia, where paid firefighters and police officers were one in every third person on the street, it was still hard for me to understand.

  However, I got that things were different and small town heroes were what kept the community feeling safe. It gave them security, when they really didn’t need it.

  Bobby picked me up in his antique hot rod pick-up truck that he’d restored himself. It was a cherry red and he’d attached American flags to either side since it was going to be driven in the parade.

  “Don’t you look pretty,” he said as I came outside and let him take my hand. He opened the door for me and gave my fat ass a boost to get me inside.

  “I feel like a blimp. Maybe you should fill me with air and let me float around in the sky.”

  He laughed as he shut the truck door and walked around to climb into the driver’s side. “You’re really not that big. From the back you don’t even look pregnant, if you don’t mind me saying.”

  I played with my hair as we began our drive down the gravel road. In the rearview mirror I could see Dave and Sarah following behind us. “Did you bring a blanket to sit on?”

  “I got a couple chairs in the back. Most people just sit on the curb or stand. It gets busy since the military comes and participates. They bring their families to watch.”

  “Military?”

  Right away my mind went to Brooks. I put my hand on my stomach and thought about our perfect little girl growing inside of me. She was my only connection to him and the love we’d shared. The mere mention of the military or anything Army had me on high alert, even though I knew Brooks was halfway across the world from me.

  “Yeah, Fort Jackson is right down the road a ways. It’s an Army training facility. I’m surprised you’ve never heard of it. It’s one of the most popula
r in the country.”

  Aside from Brooks joining the Army, I’d never really looked into where military stations were located. I guess it was because I’d always been against war and fighting. Terrorism had cost me my parents, but I didn’t see the point in more people dying to defend their honor. I hated death, no matter how it came.

  I suppose it was sort of ridiculous considering that I’d thought about ending my life only months before.

  My baby changed that for me. Ever since the day I found out that she was inside of me, I’d never wanted anything more than to take care of her. I don’t know whether it was some motherly instinct or the fact that I was willing to scathe the ends of the earth for one chance to have a piece of Brooks with me forever.

  I tried to play it off so Bobby wouldn’t get worried. “I really didn’t know.”

  Bobby had grown up in Sumter. All of his friends still lived in town and he’d never really been anywhere else. For our first date, he’d taken me to a fishing spot on his granddaddy’s property. It wasn’t what I was used to, but it meant a lot for him to share such a special place with me. He’d also take me to the town’s favorite watering hole, where a rope swing had served as fun for his whole life.

  I thought about living so close to Richmond and Williamsburg and being able to go to the water and amusement parks whenever I wanted.

  Everything about my life was different. Instead of seeing it as a negative, I appreciated that I’d be able to raise my child in a safe environment. We didn’t have crime. The schools weren’t overcrowded. She would be able to play outside with her friends and not get into trouble. It was nothing like we’re I’d grown up, even if it was a nice community.

  We pulled up onto Main Street, and when I saw the crowds of people, I was shocked. I had no idea that there were even that many people in the nearby towns. Crowds of people stood on the sectioned off part of the street, the children waving flags and listening to music as it played.

  It was like one would see in the movies and I started to get emotional knowing that life like that still existed. I thought about my mother and how she would have loved to be a part of something so wonderful.

  Bobby came around and helped me get out of the car. He brushed a piece of hair back out of my face and smiled, showing his dimples. “You really do look beautiful today, Katy.”

  I took his hand and let him lead me to a safe spot to sit my chair. We recognized a few women from church and they waved back to us. “Are you thirsty? I brought a cooler with water in it for you.”

  I had to give it to him for trying. The man never stopped. We’d been seeing each other for months and I’d given him nothing except a few kisses. He never asked for more, or pushed me for what I wasn’t ready to give. His friendship was dear to me and I liked the way that when we were together, I always felt protected.

  “I’ll take a water, thank you.”

  He left and came back with a bottle of water and bag of popcorn. I spotted Sarah and the kids running across the parking lot. Maddy was dressed like her mother, while Seth was wearing a pair of shorts and a red shirt. He had a mini flag in his hand and was waving it all around.

  I could hear the band playing, and it was starting to get louder. A procession of horses came first, moving their hooves in unison. The sound of their metal shoes clanked against the concrete and I watched them walking in single file, each uniquely decorated for the occasion.

  The next group was the women’s auxiliary, then the Knights of Columbus. They were then followed by the High School Marching Band, the electric company float and three decorated fire trucks. I waved as the crowned princesses and queens of different events were escorted and sitting in the convertible cars, and clapped when a group of clowns came tumbling down the road.

  Then I saw fatigues and knew what was coming next. The military float was decorated with war veterans and then the band followed them. To finish the parade they had over a hundred decorated soldiers marching together.

  I knew he wasn’t there, but I checked every single face in the crowd for him, hoping for one more look at his beautiful face.

  The awe of the parade was still showing in the crowd and lots of fun things were going on all around us. According to Sarah, the celebration had only just begun.

  They led me to where the picnic area was, and women from everywhere were carting in homemade food and baked items. I could smell the barbeque and couldn’t wait to stuff my face with whatever was offered.

  A loud announcer ordered the music to cease while we all bowed our heads and said grace. The town of people got quiet and waited for the official to begin.

  “Dear Heavenly Father, I’d like to first thank you for giving us this beautiful day to celebrate with friends and family. Thank you for giving the hands that provided all this delicious food, and the families of everyone in attendance. I’d also like to take a moment to give thanks to the battalion of soldiers in Afghanistan that lost their lives yesterday. Their courage and devotion to this country will never be forgotten. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.”

  I opened my eyes and felt weak in the knees. A whole battalion of soldiers had died in Afghanistan. Brooks was in Afghanistan. Everything around me started to spin and I felt myself falling, realizing that I was passing out.

  I saw people looking over me and realized I was lying on the ground. Someone had my head and I quickly realized it was Bobby. “Hey there. You alright?”

  I tried to sit up, but it was too fast and I got queasy. I began to ask what happened, but remember the blessing and everything came back. I sat up again, this time determined to know the truth. I had to know if Brooks was okay, even if it would reveal where I was living. I was desperate to know and I wasn’t going to be alright until I had verification from a legitimate source.

  I grabbed Bobby’s phone out of his pocket that he used for emergency roadside calls and made sure I blocked the outgoing number. Then I started dialing the number to the Valentine’s house. I didn’t care who answered, or what they were going to say to me. My heart was racing and I had to know, no matter what the outcome. I had to find out if he was alright.

  It was hard to hear in the crowd of people and Sarah wasn’t going to let me out of her sight. She stood next to me holding my arm as I waited for someone to answer.

  “Hello?”

  It was Danica. I took a deep breath, swallowed my pride and asked. “I just need to know if he’s alright. Just tell me Brooks wasn’t one of those soldiers that died.”

  “Katy? Katy is that you? Sweetheart, please answer me.”

  I was crying, hearing her voice after so long. “Please just tell me he’s okay.”

  “Brooks is fine. He called us this morning. Katy, I want you to come home. We can work this out as a family. Branch is a mess over you leaving.”

  I hung up the phone. Even if I could go home and make amends I knew it would never happen. I couldn’t risk them knowing about my baby.

  Bobby pulled me into his arms when he saw me crying. “What’s wrong?”

  “Can you take me someplace quiet?”

  He kissed me on my forehead. “Of course. Let me go make us two plates and I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

  I didn’t stop crying until we were sitting in a nearby field and Bobby had turned off the truck. “What’s got you so upset?”

  I knew he didn’t want to hear about Brooks, but I wasn’t going to lie about it. “I heard that those soldiers died. The father of my baby is in Afghanistan. I thought he was one of them.”

  Bobby pulled me into his arms and let me finally settle down. “I take it he wasn’t?”

  I shook my head.

  “Katy, do you think you’ll ever make amends with him?”

  I sat up and looked out the window, trying to fight another round of tears that were attempting to come out. “No. I ruined my chance to be with him. Too many bridges have been burned. I’m sure he hates me by now.”

  “Can I ask you somethin’ without you gettin’ mad?�
��

  I shrugged. “Of course.”

  “I was wonderin’ if you’d let me take care of you. I get that you’re fine by yourself, but we could do it together.”

  “You’re asking me to move in with you?”

  He laughed. “Well, I was hopin’ that maybe one day you’d learn to love me, the way that I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  I sniffled and reminded myself that I’d just been crying about Brooks. Bobby was a wonderful man. He ran a business and everyone liked him. I was lucky to have someone like him offering to take care of me. The thing was, I knew I’d never love him, not the way he’d want me to. “I can’t make you promises that I don’t know how to keep, Bobby. Right now my heart is still broken. I’ve got a baby growing inside of me that will never know her father. It’s eating me alive with guilt. The last thing I want to do is put a label on us. I hope you understand.”

  He smiled, but looked defeated. “Yeah, I reckon I do. Just know that the offer will still stand if you change your mind. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

  I kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. You’re a good man, you know that?”

  He reached on the dash and handed me a plate. “I made you a hotdog, extra onions, just like you wanted.”

  I opened the foil and smelled the delicious food. If I’d just broken Bobby’s heart, he wasn’t letting me see it. Instead he was taking care of me, like he was always doing. Seeing him doing that made me wonder if I was passing up on something that I’d regret later. Maybe Bobby was as good as I would ever get.

  Only time would be able to tell me that and from the shambles I’d made of my life, it was all I had.

  Chapter 18

  August- September 2011

  “Look at these doctor bills, Bobby. How am I ever going to afford the delivery?” I had been staring at them since they arrived in the mail and the numbers weren’t changing. Already, I’d accrued ten grand in doctor’s visits and prenatal testing, alone. With me not working, my savings account didn’t exist and worrying wasn’t allowed.

  Bobby wrapped his arms around me. “You know, Katy, it’s probably not realistic and you can kick me in the balls for askin’, but I’ve got real good health insurance. If we got married, you’d be covered.”