Christian Mitchell Read online

  Since they wouldn’t notice me missing, I walked out on the porch to get some crisp fresh air. The fall leaves blanketed the ground in a hue of reds, browns, and oranges. It smelled like autumn as I stood there admiring the landscape. A horse neighed in the distance, just as the sound of the porch door creaking open behind me caught my attention. I didn’t have to turn to know it was her. Somehow I could feel her presence so close to me. With my hands on the railing I watched her come to stand beside me. She didn’t speak, but remained silent, as if she was waiting for me. “I missed you, Chris.”

  “You’ve got a terrible way of showin’ it. Did you think it was okay to ignore my calls; to ignore me?” When she turned to look at me her eyes were filled with tears. “I needed you, Ethan, and you weren’t around. Do you have any idea what it was like tryin’ so hard to heal without you?” She shoved me. “Do you?”

  My heart was being ripped to shreds and it was my own damn fault. I deserved this. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? Are you kiddin’ me? After all this time you come and say you’re sorry. You didn’t just break my heart. You shattered it. When I thought I couldn’t get worse, you drug me down to a level I never knew existed. You were all I had, my last hope at someone I could trust. How dare you come here and think that apologizin’ would fix things. I can’t even look at you. You took my hope away, Ethan. I loved you, and you cast me aside as if I meant nothin’ at all.”

  “Chris, please.” I tried to reach out and touch her, but she batted me away for the second time.

  “Don’t touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  “You heard my sister.” Noah’s voice caught me off guard. I took a step back seeing him standing at the far end of the porch with his fiancée, Shalan.

  I threw my hands up. “I’m not goin’ to touch her, man.”

  “Did he hurt you, sis?” He asked.

  “Not physically.”

  Noah stepped closer. “I think you should go, Ethan. It’s obvious my sister’s in no mood for visitors.”

  Since I respected this family, I knew I couldn’t make a scene. I had to walk away, even if I was leaving my heart on that porch. Christian didn’t want me near her, and I was not able to handle it.

  Chapter 32

  Christian

  I’d gotten the shock of my life and handled it terribly. The look on his face was something I’d never forget. It was strange to see him so vulnerable. Had I not been so angry with him, things could have turned out differently.

  My parents said nothing when I headed back in the house, and I was pretty certain my brother knew I was a force to be reckoned with.

  During dinner I refused to speak, letting my sister get all the attention. She needed it more than I did. While I silently chewed my food, hoping to disguise my trembling lips, I listened to her telling her struggles to my family. Ignoring my situation wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I’d have to face my demons, no matter how painful they were for me. It was part of moving forward, part of learning how to love myself.

  After I helped clear the table and load the dishwasher, I retreated with everyone else to the living room. It felt nice to be together, but my thoughts weren’t on another happy moment to add to my list. They were focused on Ethan, and how I’d pushed him away for a second time.

  I hated myself.

  The anticipation of seeing him again had gotten the best of me. As much as I wanted to spend the evening reminiscing with everyone, I knew I wasn’t good company. That’s why I excused myself for a late night walk.

  There was only one place I’d head, and it wasn’t far away.

  The barn had always been a refuge for me, even when it wasn’t filled with horses. It was also where I’d lost my virginity. Since I’d pushed Ethan away, it was the one place I could feel close to him.

  In all honesty I just wanted to be alone so I could cry in peace. My hopes were that I’d become exhausted and fall asleep on a bed of hay like I used to when I was distraught and hiding from the world.

  It would have been nice if I were born immune to getting my feelings hurt, of being vulnerable. What was screwed up was that I’d forced Ethan out of my life, after jealousy had showed its ugly face. The severity of losing my friend hadn’t only stunted my recovery, but caused the pain to be so intense that I felt like I’d never heal.

  I was finally beginning to feel better.

  I was making progress with my doctor.

  Then he showed up.

  Now I was a wreck.

  The lantern I’d always used was still in the same place I’d left it the last time. It took me a second to get it lit and secured back on the hook. The loft was a cozy place. On many occasions I’d climb up and read a book from cover to cover. I’d bring stray kittens in and feed them, and sometimes I’d hide when my cousins came to visit. Of all the places on the ranch this was my own personal private spot.

  Just as I’d found a spot to sit down, I began to cry. My pent up anxiety from seeing Ethan had set me back. I knew I had to let it all out, so that in the morning I could figure out a way to get back on track.

  It wasn’t too long after that I heard footsteps beneath me. I stopped sniffling and peered over the ledge. There wasn’t anyone there that I could see, so I backed away and attempted to calm down, just in case someone was listening.

  I heard the footsteps again, this time confidant that there was someone else in the barn with me. That’s the moment when I looked down and saw who it was. He’d known where to look, and I honestly wasn’t surprised that he’d assumed that’s where I’d be. For a few seconds we just stared at one another. This was my opportunity to apologize for being insensitive. It was the time to admit that I’d overreacted; except, I couldn’t move. I had all of the words right there on my tongue, but they wouldn’t come out. Ethan walked over to the steps, but didn’t climb, not yet. “Did you think you could get rid me of me so easily?”

  I refused to stop looking at him, at his dark wavy hair, and those deeply sexy eyes. I’d missed every detail of his face, and the way it felt when his hands were laced with mine. In that moment I knew I wouldn’t let him go away, even if a friendship was all he’d ever offer. “Honestly, no. Somehow I knew you’d be back.”

  “I never left. I got halfway down that lane and pulled over. You see, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I know you think I abandoned you, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.”

  “You’ve been MIA for weeks. You’ve ignored my calls. If that’s not abandonin’ me, then I don’t know what is.”

  “It’s more complicated than that, Chris.”

  I hated that we were beginning to argue already. Here I’d thought I’d lost him again and I was right back to accusing him of things. If I wanted to make amends and have him in my life, one of us was going to have to give. “You’re right.” I was prepared to make that first move. “We both made mistakes. Maybe my life was a little too hard to keep up with. I know it was for me, so I can’t imagine how it felt to watch me goin’ through it.”

  “It wasn’t that. I can assure you. I’d never turn my back on you because of somethin’ terrible.”

  He lurched forward, putting his hand on the ladder leading up to where I stood. With each step he spoke one sentence. “I told you before that I had a secret.” Step. “It’s time I come clean.” Step. In all honesty I figured he’d gotten someone pregnant. I knew he’d had other partners, but expected him to always use precaution.

  Ethan was on that last step, staring directly into my eyes. My chest rising made it apparent that my breathing had increased. As much as I tried to contain my emotions, having him so close to me, in such a special place, left me vulnerable. “So what’s the secret? You’ve got me where you want me. I can’t run away. Spill.”

  He climbed up into the loft with me, backing me up against the far wooden-planked wall, never taking his gaze off of mine. The moment was intense, but all I could think about was feeling his embrace again. I longed for it, as if it were the lost p
iece of my recovery puzzle. “I think I’ve loved you since that first day you stepped on the school bus.”

  I shook my head. “What? What do you mean?”

  “I’m in love with you, Christian. I have been in love with you every single day for as long as I can remember. God knows I’ve had a shit way of showin’ it, but it’s the truth. I love you, and I get that I don’t deserve it, but I’d like a shot at makin’ this more than just a friendship.”

  I was frozen, completely unable to speak, more or less move an inch. Ethan brought his hand up to my face. I never pulled away from his touch. His warm palms sent a heat wave through my core.

  Hot tears fell from my cheeks as I continued staring hopelessly into his eyes. “All this time. I don’t understand.”

  “I thought that if I waited we’d have a better chance at a real future. I wanted to be certain that I’d never lose you.” He paused and looked away for a second, furrowing his brows and seeming conflicted. “What happened to you broke me, Chris. It tore me up. No matter how hard I tried I knew I’d never be able to take it away. Because of my stupidity you’ll be tormented forever. I don’t know how to live with that, babe. It breaks me.”

  “You love me.” I kept going back to that in my mind. I supposed I’d waited so long to hear it with meaning that it was messing with my ability to comprehend everything else.

  He touched my face again, taking one step closer in my direction. With only inches separating us I could feel the air as he exhaled. In that moment nothing else existed.

  There was no more pain.

  There was no time missed.

  There was no attack.

  It was as if I’d left my body and entered a new one; given a second chance at happiness. I want to feel this rush of invigorating euphoria. I needed to know what it felt like to let myself fall, without being afraid of what I could lose, because I’d already lost too much.

  This was my path to recovery.

  This was my eternal escape.

  This was my salvation; my reason for wanting to overcome my demons.

  Our lips brushed ever so gently and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to get lost without fear. His touch was familiar, and welcomed. My body trembled for all the right reasons, and as his fingers laced in both of mine I knew he’d never leave me again. I could feel his intent as if it were my own. We were in sync, riding a new wave, but this time together as one. This was the moment where I found my happy place. It was the moment where I knew I’d be able to let go of my past and slowly move forward with my future.

  This was everything to me.

  Our kiss was short lived. I had to hear it again; a million more times before it would begin to be too much. “Tell me again.”

  He pulled one hand up, rolling his thumb over my lips. “I love you, way more than a friend. I love you like I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I always have and I always will.”

  Chapter 33

  Ethan

  Her kiss sent pleasure throughout my bones. No longer did I have to hold back. She was mine, like she should have been all along. Realizing how fragile she still was, I went easy, backing away from our kiss after only a few moments. I brushed the hair back behind her ears, never taking my eyes off of hers. “I don’t want to get carried away.”

  “It’s okay. I’d tell you if I needed to stop.”

  “I’ve thought about you so much. It’s killin’ me to want you this bad.”

  I could tell she needed a second to comprehend what I was implying. I’d never force her into a decision that could be damaging to her recovery, so I had to be patient and let her decide where this reunion was going to go.

  “I want you too, Ethan. It’s just…I’m a little apprehensive. I know that I’m physically able to be with you, but mentally I’m scared it’s too soon.”

  “I get it. Just know that these hands,” I held them up to show her. “Were meant to touch you. My arms were meant to hold you, and I know for a fact that my heart was meant to love you.”

  Trying not to look disappointed in what wouldn’t come next, I leaned in and kissed her again. As it began to progress into something deeper; something more intense, we both stopped. “Maybe I should go.” I began backing away while holding one of her hands. I couldn’t get carried away.

  She pulled me back. “When you talk like that it makes me crazy. Don’t go. Stay here with me, like we used to. I want to wake up in your arms, so I know this ain’t just a dream.”

  Kissing her forehead was comforting. “It’s not a dream. You have my heart, Chris. You always have. I’m surprised you didn’t notice, especially after everything that happened. Couldn’t you tell how jealous I was? Couldn’t you see that it killed me to see you with someone else?”

  When I said it I worried that speaking about her time with Seth was going to set us back, but she smiled, reassuring me that I hadn’t screwed up our moment. “You were actin’ weird, that’s for sure, but I believed you were always tellin’ me the truth. I think I wanted you to love me so badly that I couldn’t accept you actually might.”

  “I should have told you the truth a long time ago.”

  “You’re here now. My doctor says that I need to stop dwellin’ on what I can’t change. If everything led us to this very moment then I’m not goin’ to complain anymore. This is all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Me too.”

  She pushed me to the side and made her way over to the ladder. “Wait here. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

  “Where’re you goin’?”

  A half-smile formed in the corner of her lips. “You’ll see in a few minutes. Don’t you dare leave.”

  “I won’t!” I promised.

  I watched her walk out of the barn, all the while with a huge smile on my face. I’d made a ton of mistakes. My immaturity could have cost me everything, but somehow I’d found my way back to my girl.

  I knew I’d have to tell her about Amber, but for now I wanted our time together to be special. This place was sacred to us. I’d never ruin it with painful conversations about the past.

  It took her a little more than ten minutes, not that I was counting. While she was gone I sat down on a bale of Timothy hay and took in the ambience of the loft. I recalled an array of lit candles, and the two of us tangled up together in one sleeping bag. Our first time wasn’t like other teenagers experiences. We took our time, exploring every inch of one another, with patience and compassion. I didn’t believe it back then, but our love was already so powerful. She owned me, utterly and completely. My constant battle to accept that had cost me dearly, finally proving without a doubt that everything I was experiencing was the proof I required.

  I peered down watching her approach the ladder with both of her hands full. She lifted up a large duffle-bag, and stuck another one over her back as she began to climb. With a giant smile covering her face she starting unzipping each bag, revealing her intentions for the rest of our evening.

  “Please tell me your parents don’t know I’m here.”

  “My parents helped me pack all this stuff. Stop worryin’, Ethan. We’re adults. They’d rather know than not. Although, my dad did leave you a note in the lower, left pocket of that bag.” She pointed to the bigger bag. “He may have mentioned the removal of your lower appendages, but he’s probably kiddin’.” She giggled.

  I squirmed as I unfolded the letter and began to read it out loud.

  “Ethan,

  It’s a difficult time for a father to accept that his daughter is a grown woman. I’ve watched her struggle throughout life, but she’s always had one constant.

  It’s you.

  Thank you for lovin’ my daughter. I’d appreciate it if you respected her, and promise that you’ll always be her best friend.

  If you don’t, just know I’ll find ya.

  Colt Mitchell,

  Your someday-father-in-law”

  Christian was already laughing. I shrugged and folded up the note, sticking it in my back pocket. “
I reckon I better do as he says.”

  “Probably.”

  “So what’s in the bags?”

  “Flameless candles, some snacks, a container of tea, two pillows, and two sleepin’ bags,” she explained.

  “Are you certain that your dad ain’t goin’ to come out here with his rifle?” I just needed verification on that before I agreed to spend the night with the guy’s daughter.

  “My father and brother know we’re out here together. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

  “I won’t be closin’ my eyes all night, that’s for sure.”

  “That’s just silly. They want me to be happy, Ethan, even if it means bein’ a little more lenient when it comes to you.” She slapped me lightly, laughing again. I’d forgotten how good it felt to make her smile. “Besides, I’m pretty sure they know I’m takin’ things slow.”

  “Come here,” I ordered.

  She nudged forward so I could pull her into my arms. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Chris.”

  She took me by the hand and pulled us down on one of the sleeping bags. I knew I had to be gentle with her, even though the urge to take her was very apparent. Our kisses were slow-paced. I savored them, like it was the first time. Her body shook beneath mine, reminding me of her fragile state. When I pulled away to give her a moment to gather herself, she seemed disappointed. “What’s wrong.”

  “Nothin’,” I answered. “I thought you might need a second.”

  She haplessly stared at me for a second. “I know you’d never hurt me. Bein’ with you is natural. It’s always been easy.”

  I pecked her before responding. “I will love on you all night long. I’ll hold you, and kiss you in every place imaginable, but I won’t do that. I can’t. Not yet. We’re goin’ to go slow, because we’ve got plenty of time.”