Jingle All the Mitchell Way: A Holiday Novella Read online

  I shrugged. I’d never much thought about it. It would be nice to camp with the family while still having the luxuries of home. The women wouldn’t bitch as much, and us guys would have time to relax. “I suppose for the right price I could be.”

  I wasn’t a fool. Anything that sat on a lot for a long period of time had to have defects. “What’s wrong with it?”

  Nothing. I’m obligated to tell you about the previous owners. A husband and wife purchased the motorhome to travel to Florida for the winter months. They picked the RV up on a Thursday and headed out that following Monday. They got about twenty miles down the road and the old man had a stroke and passed away. In light of what happened, his wife returned the unit. It seems that the news of someone dying behind the wheel has prevented anyone from purchasing it. It wouldn’t be right for me to keep it a secret.”

  “How much of a discount are you willing to give me to take it off your hands?” I was intrigued. Jax might be freaked out about it, but I couldn’t have cared less. One man’s loss was my gain. If this guy was willing to take off enough money, I’d be interested in owning.

  “Let me show you the motorhome. If you like it I’ll show you some comparisons and then we’ll talk money. How’s that sound?”

  “I’m sort of pressed for time. I need to be back before dinner, and I’m sure you don’t want to spend the day here.”

  “We’ve got some time,” he reassured me. He wanted the sale, and I was hopeful we’d be able to work something out.

  We spent two hours touring each trailer on the lot, starting with the used unit. In all honesty, I didn’t know the first thing about motorhomes. We’d camped out of a cabin my whole life, and the idea of being able to pick up and drive away was appealing. I knew we’d get a lot of use out of it. The more I looked at them, the easier my decision of buying one was becoming. Against Reese’s judgment, I fell victim to my own bad habits and took the plunge into ownership.

  When it was all said and done, we sat across from one another with a slew of paperwork between us. I’d agreed to do a one month rent to own deal, making the deciding factor my family’s ability not to kill one another while using it. If this went well we’d be able to spend many trips together, traveling without having to leave most of our special amenities behind. I’d also made plans to bring it back for a final inspection and to finish some financial details we couldn’t do since it was a holiday. Shaking on good faith was all it took in the end game.

  Since I then had two vehicles to take home, I called my sister, Isabella, and asked if her husband could come drive my car home so I could learn how to manage the beast and attempt to get used to it.

  I’d been gone for three hours by the time I pulled the RV onto the ranch. The first person to come outside was my father, of course looking me up and down with wonder while waiting for me to explain. “What? Reese and I decided to take our shit show on the road. We’re doing forty eight states in six months.”

  “Bullshit. What the hell are you doing with that monstrosity?”

  “If you have to know,” I continued. “I’m trying to make Amber’s dreams come true.”

  My father stared at me, even more confused than before. “Come again?” He shook his head. “Please tell me you aren’t hitting that.”

  “What?” I couldn’t believe he’d ask, especially after my brother and I had already been through hell with the Reese situation. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Have you?”

  He pointed to the RV. “Just tell me what the hell you’re doing, Jake. Your mother will pitch a fit if you cause problems for your brother today.”

  “Dad, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m trying to make life easier for them. It’s kind of a surprise, so I’d rather not announce it. Just do me a favor and keep your mouth shut until I can explain. They don’t have any idea I’ve gone out and done this.”

  My Uncle Colt managed to step outside carrying a large crock pot. His wife, Savanna followed behind him with a large covered turkey platter, heading in the direction of their vehicle. “Is that yours, Jake?” He asked.

  “It might be. Ain't she a beauty?”

  He handed my father the pot of food and headed in my direction. “You mind if I check it out?”

  We walked inside, my dad coming with us, filling the motorhome with the aroma of a mystery Thanksgiving casserole. It took me a few minutes to maneuver the bump outs, which extended the trailer on both sides, doubling the square footage. I have to say, the look on my dad’s face was impressive. “You could live in here.” He crossed his arms.

  Since it was in my nature to irritate my father until he reached a breaking point, I decided to fabricate a story even he’d go for. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you what’s going on, but you have to promise to keep it a secret until I can share the news with Jax. He doesn’t know I’ve acquired transportation and I don’t want him finding out from someone else.”

  “Well, don’t keep us waiting,” my dad announced. “What are you planning on doing with such a high dollar piece of machinery?”

  I sighed, as if to be relieved, though it was all part of the joke. “I suppose it’s been a long time coming, ever since we discovered Reese had been involved in a porno flick. It was a shock at first, I think to both of us. Of course, Jax was the first person to point it out to me, he and Amber had been searching for a good video to entertain their extracurricular needs.” I waited to watch the reaction on my uncle’s disapproving face before continuing. “Anywhoo, Jax told me about the video, and after giving Reese hell, she finally admitted to being a part of it. She said she did it for the money, and didn’t think anyone would ever find out. Jax wasn’t too bent out of shape, considering she was with another female in the video, and with the time factored in they’d definitely been a couple. His only problem was how she hadn’t included him.”

  “You’re kidding. Your brother would have mentioned it. He wouldn’t let you live something like that down.”

  “It just happened a few weeks ago. He promised Amber he wouldn’t give Reese a hard time about it.” I was doing my best not to crack up laughing. My Uncle Colt seemed like he was going to take my hand and say a prayer for us. The more disturbed his grimace became, the harder I wanted to push at his nerves.

  “So what does any of that have to do with a mobile home, son? I know this wasn’t cheap. You’re not planning on moving away? Surely the family will be considerate of her bad choices. We all make mistakes. Only God can judge us.”

  “No. We’re not going to run away from our problems. We’re going to embrace them. I got a good deal, and if it doesn’t work out I can return it. It’s rent to own for the first few months.”

  After watching him pick the prepared food up, my father kept pushing. “Again, spill. I’m not standing here with my hands full of food all day.” He was anxious, making the situation even more appealing. I loved shocking him, making him feel like he failed as a parent. The best part was knowing he would do whatever it took to protect my mother from it, even fabricating a whole different scenario to defer her from finding out we’d somehow screwed up. I half expected it was because she’d blame him for his earlier shenanigans.

  “We’re planning on driving it across country filming college chicks getting freaky in order to kick start our new porn venture. It’s been a dream of ours for quite some time.”

  I could tell my dad was catching on that I was joking, while Uncle Colt seemed to be sickened. It was quite entertaining to witness.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jake,” he attested. “You need to make better choices. Doing something like that will ruin your lives. I don’t know what you and your brother are into these days, but you need to think twice about getting involved in something so taboo. You’ll be taking advantage of young desperate girls, not to mention putting yourselves in danger of being charged with underage pornography or worse. You never know what these girls will say for a few extra dollars in their bank accounts.”

  By t
his point, my dad had jumped on board, with me, not my uncle. “Actually, I think it’s an opportunity. Good for you. Sometimes I wonder where I’d be if it wasn’t for your mother keeping me tied down. Imagine the amount of pussy you’re going to get to see, and your wives are on board. That’s fantastic.”

  It only took my dad a few seconds to burst into a laughing fit. He tapped on my uncle’s shoulder. “Lighten up, Colt. He’s yanking your chain.”

  I chuckled with my dad. “We had you going. Damn. It was too easy.”

  Uncle Colt seemed annoyed, but thankful we weren’t getting into the porn business. “You had me going. I never know what you two are getting in to.”

  “Jax is a married man, with a woman he would never take for granted. I’d like to think he would have been in on the joke, but I never know with him. He walks a tight rope when it comes to keeping Amber happy.”

  “He’s whipped,” Dad added. “Plain and simple.”

  “It takes one to know one,” Uncle Colt added.

  “True.” Dad exclaimed, before turning his attention back to me. “Alright, enough of the bullshit. Why did you go out and buy a motorhome on Thanksgiving?”

  “In due time, Dad. I’ll tell everyone the news once I know everything is a go. I can tell you this… It does have something to do with film, and the four of us being together for an entire month.”

  Seeming to be intrigued, I headed out of the motorhome, hoping to leave them puzzled as to my intentions.

  They joined me a few seconds later, my dad closing the door as he exited.

  “What’s in the crockpot?” I asked.

  “Your Aunt Van’s macaroni. She also made an extra turkey, just in case Amber’s doesn’t work out.”

  My dad chimed in. “That makes two of us. Miranda had me fry one up last night.”

  I laughed. “Jax is going to shit himself by the time the night is over. I can’t wait to see his face when you both walk in with two turkeys. He’s doing his best to pull this off, but let me just say, when I last saw them they were getting worried.”

  “If I were you, I’d keep that bit of information from Jax and Amber. They’re adamant about tonight.”

  My dad and uncle looked at one another, and then both back to me. He spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. “History repeats itself. We needed to make sure there would be scrumptious food, instead of the charbroiled kind they tend to end up with.”

  I shook my head and started to head toward my sister Isabella’s house, which was also located on the property. “You all do whatever you want. I need to get back to Jax before he commits Thanksgiving suicide. Smell you two later.”

  As I ventured away from them, a smile remained on my face. I was optimistic about the outcome of my getting the motorhome, and hoping that when my brother and Amber saw it they’d know everything was about to work out.

  Chapter 5

  Jax

  “I’m ready to drop it in. Are you sure the temperature is set right?” Jake asked while holding the twenty five pound turkey, prepared to lower it into the hot grease.

  “Yeah, it’s been on for an hour. Drop it in.”

  I wasn’t one to read directions, not that my dad’s turkey fryer came with any. I was pretty sure my mom had them somewhere in the house, or that I could pull them off the internet, but chose to wing it, much like everything I attempted. The concept was simple. You drop the bird in the hot oil and when it turns brown it’s ready to eat. It was foolproof.

  “If you say so.”

  I never could have expected what would occur when my brother took my advice. At first I realized I’d put too much oil into the pot. As the turkey dropped, hot oil poured from the sides, falling down and igniting against the open flame. We both backed up and watched as the fire spread to the inside of the pot, a loud crackling sound coming from the turkey.

  “Holy Shit! Get the hose!” I scrambled around it, completely in denial that I’d misjudged to this degree.

  Drops of little flames fell onto the ground, charring the cold grass surrounding the area. “I got this!” Jake fetched the garden hose, hopeful to control the blaze, only to discover it fueled it more. In a matter of seconds the plastic prep table beside it was on fire, and it was spreading to a nearby shed, full of equipment, including cans of kerosene. “Shit. It’s not helping.” He was doing his best to manage the situation, while I was still assuming it would burn out and be fine.

  It only took a few more seconds for the situation to become alarming. I think at the same moment we realized the worsening situation could potentially destroy property if we didn’t get control of it soon.

  We both panicked, running around kicking the spots to cover them in dirt, all the while ignoring the bird. Imagine two grown men shouting and losing their shit, not knowing what the hell to do to rectify the situation we’d clearly gotten ourselves into. In the middle of chaos, I heard the sound of the screen door shutting, I turned around to watch as my wife’s heart shattered. All her hopes of having a perfect day were falling apart, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make it better.

  Amber came closer, her hands covering her mouth. “No. No. No. Not today.” She ran into the garage, coming out with a large drop cloth and tossing it over everything. For a few seconds it seemed under control, up until the flames burned through the material.

  Reese came outside with her cell phone up to her ear. I already knew she was on the phone with the fire department, and as much as I’d like to think we had things under control, I could only imagine them escalating quickly.

  Jake and I continued burying the new batches of fire as they formed, containing the grease fire to a smaller location. My concern was that the propane canister would explode, so we continued tossing dirt around it to prevent it from overheating. Jake used the hose to soak the ground around the shed, taking away anything highly flammable so it wouldn’t catch. “Just keep at it. It will eventually burn out.” His announcement made me cringe, because I knew my wife was listening, losing all hope for a beautiful presentation to our Thanksgiving meal. I pictured a black bird, so crispy one touch caused it to disintegrate, while our entire family watched in horror.

  I wasn’t just going to be in the doghouse, there was a good chance I wouldn’t be having any more children, because she was going to tear off my balls and serve them as an alternative. The thought caused me to cringe in fear, while I watched the backyard lawn turning to ash.

  The sirens were loud as they approached the property. In the time it took them to arrive a ten by ten area of the yard had been burned. My wife stood in tears and they pulled out back and assessed the situation. It took them seconds to spray the fire and put it out. Two firemen lifted the pot, taking it away from the propane tank, while another made sure the gas was finally turned off.

  I heard them talking amongst themselves. “What a bunch of idiots.”

  “I know. I’ve seen it all now,” the other one agreed. “Did you see the wife? She’s probably wondering why she married such a moron.”

  “Don’t let them give you shit. They haven’t seen pussy since the Cowboys won a Super bowl, and it was probably their mom back then. Look at them. They’re so damn out of shape they can’t even see their dicks without a mirror.” My brother put his arm around and watched. I wasn’t sure if he was genuinely sorry for being a part of it, or just felt pity for what I was about to get from my wife. Either way, I accepted his support. “It’s all going to be fine, bro,” he tried to reassure me. “Don’t listen to those assholes.”

  We received a few dirty looks as they left the property, but I didn’t choose to egg them on like my brother. I was already in enough hot water with Amber. When everything was quiet the emergency crew left us standing in the backyard. Jake and I approached the pot, both taking a side of the turkey grate and pulling it out. It was black, charred and ruined.

  My poor wife remained in the same position, succumbing to the realization that we’d once again failed at cooking the damn bird.

&
nbsp; Jake patted me on the back. “Don’t worry. I know for a fact someone else made a turkey. It’s not a big deal.”

  Even though I knew my mother had a backup plan, it was clear my wife wasn’t going to appreciate it for the sentiment. She’d see it as failing, and to Amber, it wasn’t an option.

  We watched her rush into the house, Reese staying behind with us. It may not have been a big deal to them, but it was obvious my wife was devastated. She’d gone out of her way to prove she could handle the event, only to come up with a burnt turkey, and it was all my fault.

  I told my brother and his woman to remain outside, while I tended to my distraught wife. I found her on the couch, face down. The twins were on the loveseat, still asleep through the sirens and mayhem. I was glad they’d missed it.

  “Baby,” I whispered. “It’s going to be fine.”

  “No, it’s not. We don’t have a turkey. The whole meal is based on that stupid bird. I’m never going to hear the end of this. I should’ve known when I got up this morning it was going to be a terrible day. I should have stayed in bed.”

  I wiped the makeup off her cheeks. “I will fix this.”

  Amber rolled her eyes. “Jax, don’t. I’m not blaming you. I won’t be a jerk. I know you tried, but it’s ruined.”

  “Sit tight. I have an idea.”

  “What?” she asked as I started to leave the room.

  “There’s a place selling Thanksgiving dinners. I’ll go pick up a turkey or two. It’ll be fine. We’ll throw away the evidence and nobody but us will know. Jake and Reese will take it to the grave.”

  Amber stood then headed in my direction. “This is a disaster.”

  “It’s going to be fine. I love you. I’ll go out and steal the neighbors turkey if I have to.”

  “Please don’t.” She seemed like she believed I’d do it. My neighbor closest to the property was my family, so it wouldn’t have even been a big deal since they’d be attending dinner anyway.