Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Read online

  “She doesn’t need to smile right now, you idiot. She needs to cry. Put yourself in her shoes.” It annoyed me how Branch thought he knew what Kat needed. “She’s falling apart. Both of her parents are gone. They’re never coming back. A joke isn’t going to solve anything.”

  “It will make her smile. I’m no good at the other stuff.”

  That’s where he was right. Being supportive was my specialty, and I was fully aware of how much he hated that quality in me. “We need to be there, even if we say nothing. She needs to know she’s not alone, Branch. Kat needs to know that she’s loved.”

  His eyes opened wide, as if he knew my love for her was stronger than a family type of bond. Though he didn’t argue, I could tell when he walked away that he was still stewing over it. With no time to address the elephant in the room, we parted ways, avoiding the topic all together.

  The next few days were pretty hectic. My parents scrambled to get in touch with lawyers, and important people handling the estate of the Michaels. Having only one aunt as her next of kin, both Branch and I worried that Kat would be sent away. We listened to our parents making calls while reassuring us that our lifelong friend wouldn’t be going anywhere. It wasn’t until her aunt left to go back to England that we could rest assured.

  The next couple of months everyone walked on eggshells. The news hadn’t let up, yet we’d all learned to keep the television time to a minimum. My mother did everything in her power to transition Kat over to our house without causing her extra grief.

  She’d pulled Branch and I aside to prepare us for the transition. “Boy’s, I need you to be gentlemen. You’ll be sharing your bathroom with a lady. That means you need to keep the toilet seat down, and always flush when you’re done going to the bathroom. If she needs to go, you let her in there first, and please give her privacy.”

  We both nodded to agree.

  My mom was falling apart. Dark circles were under her eyes, and at night I’d heard her downstairs crying when we were all supposed to be asleep.

  If my mother wasn’t hard enough to watch, my beautiful friend also struggled. It was obvious she was broken. The once charismatic girl was quiet and withdrawn. She didn’t initiate a conversation, or activity. The more she pushed us away, the harder I tried to be the shoulder she needed to cry on. There were a few moments we shared that were intense. Several times, when we were alone in the tree house, I wanted to hold her; to kiss her and tell her she’d be okay. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to chance it. She needed a friend, not a horny pre-teen. Being her boyfriend could wait. After all, we had our whole lives to work that out. Back then I didn’t have doubts that she’d pick me. I’d been the one to wipe away her tears, to hold her hand, and to silently reassure her that she’d someday be happy again.

  Chapter 2

  About a year after the death of her parents, Kat finally began to open up. She’d been seeing a doctor, who seemed to help her on the outside. I don’t even know if my parents were aware that inside she was still a disaster. Only someone who knew her would see the brutal truth firsthand. At night, while my family slept so silently, I’d creep toward her bedroom door and listen to her crying. Every sob was like tiny shards of glass being driven into my heart. At thirteen I knew I’d be in big trouble if I opened that door and got caught in her bed. Though it would have been innocent, I wasn’t going to risk any reason for them to want to send her away.

  Kat belonged with us, no matter how hard it got sometimes. On good days it was obvious she was happy to be with our family.

  My brother Branch had his own way of handling Kat. He’d wait on her, going above and beyond to cater to her every need. While I connected with her on a more emotional level, his actions were all physical. Our bonds were still strong, but clearly changed.

  One night, after I’d been out in the tree house with Kat alone, doing nothing wrong, Branch pulled me aside in his room. He kept tapping on the post at the foot of his bed while staring me down. “What is your problem?” I finally asked.

  “I want you to back off.”

  “Huh?”

  “Katy.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Branch. We’re friends, that’s all.” At the time it was the truth. We couldn’t be more. It was still too soon to take it to another level. She wasn’t emotionally ready to sneak around behind my parent’s backs.

  “She says you’re smothering her. I told you before that she didn’t like you that way.”

  Feeling defeated, and pathetic for holding onto hope, I walked away from my brother. It was obvious that all my efforts were for nothing.

  For the next year I watched my brother pick on Kat, not in a rude way, but one that would indicate he was attempting to get under her skin for the attention. I became the one she turned to, but only for the support I’d always offered her. For a while I was certain we were on the same page. I kept telling myself that she was interested, and if we waited it out we’d be able to be together without causing problems with the family. After all, she lived in our house, and unless I wanted her to be shipped off to England with an aunt she barely knew, I had to keep the peace.

  Then it happened.

  The choice was made before I had a chance to grasp it was taking place. Sure, I’d seen my brother interacting with her. He’d warned me that she’d chosen him, yet I needed to see it with my own eyes. It was obvious he was still interested as well. We’d all begun to change, physically and mentally into young adults. Kat was blossoming into a beautiful woman. Her curves were pronounced, and she was who everyone at school wanted to have a piece of.

  I’m sure our classmates knew they never had a chance. There was no way Branch or I would allow for them to. We’d already laid claim to her, not understanding that one day she’d have to choose one of us. Never in a million years could I have accepted that she chose Branch if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

  I’d like to say her decision came out of left field. I think I wouldn’t have as many regrets if I didn’t feel as if it were my fault that it happened. Certainly there was a reason why she chose him over me. I mean, it made no sense at all. He’d picked on her until she lost it and came running to me more times than I could count. I’d waited my whole life to make her mine, only to have my own brother step forward and take her away.

  The first time I saw them sneaking off to be together I felt my heart being ripped from my chest. I hadn’t confessed my love, yet knew my brother was fully aware of my feelings. Our secret hide-out in the tree house became unbearable to visit. I couldn’t sit opposite them and see them having their own first time experiences without me. I couldn’t pretend that every little touch didn’t make my stomach turn and fuel my anger.

  No longer could I look Kat in the eyes and not feel anguish because I’d missed my opportunity. For a while I wanted to tell on them, to get them into trouble so they couldn’t be together. Then I went through a phase where I presumed she’d dump my brother and realize it was me she was in love with. Day after day I watched them desperately falling in love, and there was nothing I could do to make it go away. I was stuck living with it; with their secret because it would never be as bad as Kat having to live somewhere else.

  Burying my feelings deep inside was my only option, but even that came with consequences. Branch could see right through me, and one night he let me know that I wasn’t going to get my chance.

  We were sixteen, and they’d been secretly a couple for quite some time. He didn’t knock when he came into my room full of smiles. I could tell something monumental had happened, even before he confessed it.

  He started tossing up a ball as he spoke, probably because he couldn’t bear to look me in the eyes and watch me hating him. “I never thought I’d gloat, Brooks. I told myself that I’d keep it a secret, but I’ve got to tell you this. I have to tell someone how awesome it was.”

  I sat up in my bed, already knowing what he was going to say. I’d watched them making out, groping, and everything else that
comes before the actual deed. “What are you going on about?”

  “We did it, me and Katy. She finally let me get into those panties. It was scary at first. She bled, and seemed to be in a lot of pain, but I’m sure the next time will be even better, because we’ll know what to expect.”

  How was I supposed to sit there and listen to him bragging? “Congrats to you, I guess.”

  “You’re probably pissed she picked me, aren’t you?”

  “No.” I shook my head and looked away, unable to lie to his face. “It’s great. I’m happy for you. She obviously made the right choice.” The bile was rising in my throat as I began fighting back the agonizing jealousy. This was bitter, ugly, and it was destroying me from the inside out.

  We heard someone walking into the bathroom, and I could tell Branch was worried our parents were awake and listening. “I better get back to bed. Don’t tell Katy I told you. She made me promise to keep it a secret, especially from you.”

  I don’t even know if I held in my first tear until my door shut. I lost control, over not just my emotions, but also my heart. For so long I’d assured myself she’d come running to me. I could feel our connection, knowing that there was still something between us. How could I have been so mistaken? Was I blind? Had Branch been right all along? Was I only a dear friend to Kat, and nothing more?

  Like a little child, I bawled myself to sleep, with images of my brother screwing the love of my life.

  After that night it became even more difficult to hang out with them. I could feel myself withdrawing, but they didn’t seem to care. Even though they attempted to include me, I knew it was only to cover up the fact that they were a couple to our parents. I hated being used for their benefit and knew I had to make a change to rectify the situation. I was inadequate.

  For a few months I was good about keeping my distance. I started talking to other girls, but only to attempt to get Kat out of my head. It was quite ridiculous since she lived in the same house as me. How was one to forget someone they saw every single day, sat across from at the table, and brushed their teeth alongside of?

  Reluctantly I turned my pain into something else. Fueled by jealousy and regret, I distanced myself more from the two lovebirds, becoming troublesome to hide the brutal truth of what I knew I’d never have.

  It was hard to imagine loathing both of them, but with each day came the hope of being able to finally rid myself of the constant ache I had in my heart.

  It wasn’t always bad though. On occasion Kat and my mom would go out for hours, shopping and doing what females liked to do. In those instances Branch and I were cool. I didn’t hate him for loving her. I hated myself for not being brave enough to tell her first. For that reason I’d be forever envious of his life, hoping someday to replace my feelings for Kat with someone that I could have wholeheartedly. Until that day came I’d continue wishing she was mine; and just hoping for the moment when she’d realize that she’d made the wrong choice.

  Chapter 3

  On the anniversary of her parent’s death, at the age of sixteen, something broke in me. I’d been doing so well, portraying someone who pretended not to care that the other half of my heart was bedding my brother.

  On this particular evening Kat was a wreck. My parents had started a tradition with making her favorite meal; one her mother used to make. Each time, since their death, it would start out nice and end up with everyone sad, reminiscing about what could have been.

  When Kat headed up to bed I watched my brother giving her a look, but he didn’t follow behind her. Silently I sat there next to him, playing a video game and acting like everything was well in the world. All the while I wondered how he could be so insensitive. She clearly needed him to reassure her that everything would be okay, yet he was in his own little world, ignoring the fact that his girlfriend was falling apart.

  “I think Kat’s upset.”

  “She’s always upset about something,” Branch replied.

  “Yeah, but tonight is the anniversary.”

  “She told me she was fine, Brooks. Let it go. It’s not your problem. Honestly, I don’t know why you still care. Can’t you take a hint?”

  I ignored his comment, unable to accept that Kat would ever want me to leave her alone. When we were together she was content, almost blissful. That wasn’t how someone acted when they were annoyed. This wasn’t the first time my brother had mentioned it to me, nor was it going to prevent me from being there for my best friend. Until she told me from her own mouth to steer clear, I’d be by her side, offering her anything she needed.

  By the time we headed up to bed all I could think about was Kat. After the house got quiet I could hear her sobbing through the walls. Something happened that night. It was like I snapped. I couldn’t fathom being so far away from her when she needed someone to wipe away her tears and comfort her until the pain subsided. I considered waking up my brother, but refused to allow myself to let him take credit for my concerns. She needed the love that I had to give her because it was effortless.

  Before I could rationalize with my teenage self, I was already opening her door. The room was silent, but I knew exactly where to walk. I crouched down on the side of her bed, following the direction of her sniffles to place exactly where she was on the mattress.

  A hand reached out and touched mine, leading me closer to her. Her cries beckoned me to hold her, to take the pain away, even if only for a few moments. I could do this without getting overwhelmed. This was my Kat. I was put on this earth to take care of her. I knew it more than anything else.

  Eventually, I began to relax. Being so near gave me this feeling of empowerment. As her lips narrowed toward mine I realized she thought I was Branch, but I refused to stop her. I couldn’t prevent something so tremendous and unrehearsed from happening. In that moment right from wrong didn’t exist. I had to cross the line because spending another second without her in my arms seemed unbearable.

  I never intended to take it so far. From the second her lips pressed against mine I felt myself losing control. Her body was like a wonderland, welcoming me to explore. I’d dreamed of this moment, even prayed for it to happen.

  This wasn’t just some girl that I was about to be intimate with. This was Kat, the girl I’d loved my whole life. She kept crying, pulling me closer. Her kisses were desperate, and I needed to save her from the pain. I wanted to be the one who could take it away, not because I wanted to, but because she desired it to be me. In my head I convinced myself that she knew the difference. I told my body to proceed.

  From that first kiss, with every touch, I knew I couldn’t hold back. I’d love to be able to blame immaturity on my decision making, or perhaps my lack of control came from pent up anxiety of wanting her. Whatever the case, I couldn’t refrain.

  “It hurts so much. Please just make the pain go away. Make me forget about it for just a little while. I can’t feel this way,” she continued sobbing.

  I tried to talk my way out of it as a final desperate plea. “This won’t solve anything,” I whispered.

  Her lips were back on mine, her tongue immediately taunting me to participate. She only pulled away to beg some more while reaching her hands up my sides underneath of my shirt. I should have pulled away, but her touch awakened parts of me that I didn’t know how to control. I became carried away, lost in the perpetual moment of having her all to myself. She hadn’t said my brother’s name, nor had she pushed me away. Denying her would be like refusing to breathe.

  I took my time, kissing her soft skin, and savoring each and every kiss. I caressed her tender areas, making sure she knew I appreciated this opportunity. Her tears were silenced once our clothes were removed, and we lay there overtop of one another. Though shaky, I entered her with little effort, sending my body into an uncontrolled euphoria. I began to shake, hiding it with my movements as I set out for an unpracticed pace. Kat wasn’t just my first love, she was my first everything, and knowing that caused my senses to go awry.

  When
the moment was over we laid there in each other’s arms in silence. Out of breath, and still frazzled from what we’d just done, I knew I had to leave the room. It took everything in me to separate our bodies, kiss her, and then walk away.

  Once I reached my room I closed the door and plopped down on my bed, first to celebrate silently to myself, but then to punish myself for the sins that I’d allowed myself to commit.

  I’d just lost my virginity to the girl I loved, yet felt as if my heart had vacated my body and been replaced with utter guilt. I’d disrespected my brother, my parents, and most of all the one person I cared the most for.

  When she awoke the next morning, clearly giving all of her attention to my brother, I knew what I feared was true. Kat hadn’t made love to me. She’d thought I was Branch, and I hadn’t corrected her.

  For the next week I steered clear of them the best I could, in fear that they’d both approach me after discovering my secret. When a month passed I started to question if Kat was keeping it a secret, yet nothing had changed between us. I was still the third wheel, the person who kept them from being alone.

  Deciding to let it go, I buried my pain by hooking up with random chicks from school. They’d never be Kat, but I couldn’t let it keep breaking me down. If she wasn’t meant to be mine, I had to move on, before the pain consumed me.

  Each time we were together, every second I spent close to her, reminded me of that special night. When I rested my head to sleep, I spent countless hours thinking about her, drawing her in my sketchbook, and even writing letters that I knew I’d never give her. It was the only way to cope with what I’d done, and how I still felt.

  The more I attempted to move on, the harder it became. Kat was relentlessly picking on every girl I talked to. She felt she was being a friend while I saw it as something else. It got her attention, which only made me do it more frequently. By the time the anniversary of her parent’s death came back around, I’d given myself a terrible reputation. No matter how hard I tried, she still wouldn’t stop giving me that look; the one that always left me hoping there was something between us.