Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Read online

  It wasn’t until I brought someone home with me to her special dinner that everything became apparent. It was the breaking point; the one that would send me as far away as I could get.

  After meeting Kat and my brother at the cemetery to pay our annual respects to her parent’s lost lives, I parted ways with them. While they went to catch a movie, I ran into someone from school that had been trying to get with me for months. Her name was Natalie Chambers. She was blonde, bodacious, and could probably get any guy she wanted. From the moment we were alone, I could tell she was willing to take things as far as I wanted. In this case, I’d only set out to get a rise out of Kat. She and Branch had been up each other’s asses, and since it wasn’t just the anniversary of her parents anymore, but also the one year mark since we’d last been together, I wasn’t handling it very well. It didn’t help that my parents had both been questioning my reasons for acting mischievous. At one point, they’d both asked me about my feelings for Kat, but since my brother and her had finally come out with their relationship, I knew I couldn’t make it any harder to live under the same roof as them.

  Branch, on the other hand, had been adamant about his intentions with Kat. He’d basically used the excuse that he deserved her more. Had it not been for my guilt, I probably would have fought harder, but living with the knowledge that I pretended to be my brother in the bedroom was still too heavy on my heart. I couldn’t look at my mirror image and not feel like hell over my actions.

  My only hope was that he would one day screw up, and I’d be there to pick up the pieces, because after all, good things come to those who wait.

  Destined to fail, I decided to use my energy on something more constructive, like proving I could get over Kat.

  The moment she set eyes on Natalie it was obvious I’d gotten under her skin. She threw me a dirty look from across the table, only making me want to keep at it. I wasn’t always interested in making her mad, but this was different. She was becoming unhinged with jealousy. It caused me to wonder why. If she was so in love with my brother, why would she react this way?

  Since I’d clearly gotten a good rise out of her, I took the next moments to test my theory. With a witty smile across my face, I reached down beneath the tabletop to stroke Natalie’s leg. While taking notice to Kat’s expression, I witnessed her dropping a utensil. Had I really gotten her undivided attention, and if so, how far was I willing to take it to prove my theory?

  I let my hand slip in between Natalie’s thighs, knowing that Kat was under the table getting an eye full. When she sat back up in her chair I could tell I’d hit a nerve. Her eyes were beading out of her head, and she looked like she was about to get ill. Then I saw something I hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t jealousy, like I’d assumed.

  It was pain.

  All of a sudden my demeanor changed. I’d hurt her. I’d caused her pain for no reason but my own benefit. How could I have assumed it was a good idea? Was I really willing to mess with her feelings to make myself feel better about her being with Branch? Was I that cold of a person?

  When Kat got up from the table Branch looked toward me as if he knew I was the culprit. I wondered if it bothered him knowing that I could get to Kat that way. Didn’t he get curious as to why she cared what I was doing?

  At any rate, I took it as my cue to get the hell out of there. Kat clearly wanted to be away from me. When we finished our food I led Natalie out of the house. For a while we drove around. She kept reaching for me, tucking her hands between my legs and rubbing where she knew she’d get a reaction.

  I could have nailed her. In fact, I could have done anything with her that night, if I’d wanted to. Except I didn’t. The only person I wanted to be with was Kat. She needed to know that I was sorry for ruining her special dinner. She had to be told why I couldn’t stand being in the same room as her and Branch, and I didn’t care what I had to do to convince her of it. I was ready to tell her the truth because I couldn’t keep it locked inside any longer.

  Chapter 4

  It took me a while to drop off Natalie and clear my head. I’d taken her to a fast food place to grab an ice-cream, but knew that the longer we were in the vehicle the harder it was going to be for me to kick her to the curb. My anger was rising, and with that came the pain of knowing I’d shoved Kat even further out of my reach.

  All the lashing out, the terrible choices I’d made, had only left a bigger mess to deal with. Kat needed to know once and for all why I couldn’t handle it any longer. She needed to know that I was being ridiculous in order to hide my true feelings.

  As soon as the vehicle came to a stop in front of Natalie’s house I expected her to hop out. Instead, she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to my side. “My parents aren’t home. You should come inside. We have liquor.” Her lips coursed over the skin of my neck. Had I not been so consumed with rage, perhaps I would have taken her up on the offer.

  “Not tonight. I’ve got something I need to take care of.”

  Seemingly confused, she climbed out of the car. I didn’t wait for her to get inside like a gentleman would do. Instead I pulled away as soon as the door slammed shut. There was someone I had to see.

  When I entered the house I could hear the television on in the family room. I found Kat and Branch passed out on the couch, so I took the remote and started flipping through channels while avoiding watching how close they were.

  From where I was sitting I noticed she’d sat up, leaving Branch to remain sleeping. Before I was able to react she was right up in my face, slapping me hard across the cheek. I didn’t waste any time scooping her up onto my lap and keeping her close. “What was that for?”

  “Let me go,” she angrily whispered while squirming to free herself.

  I chuckled, releasing my hold and watching as she sunk to the floor beneath me. “You look better down there anyway.” With my brother in the room I couldn’t react the way I wanted to. It was important to keep the peace even if hurting her was the only option.

  Kat gave me a quick glare before standing and kicking me directly in the shin. A rush of pain overwhelmed me, so I reached down to sooth the area.

  “What is wrong with you?” She asked.

  “You wouldn’t understand even if I told you.” If I could only look her in those blue eyes and confess my love for her. If she only understood what it was like for me to live under the same roof as her, to see her loving on my twin as if I didn’t exist. How could all of our years being so close end up like this? I’d been the one to love her, to comfort, and protect her. Yet she’d picked my brother, the guy who only cared about himself. I’d had it with them.

  “Is this about me and Branch?” Her inquiry was a day late and dollar short. I was done fighting.

  I shrugged and let out an air-filled laugh. “Kat, why don’t you go back over there with your boyfriend, and stay out of my shit? You want to ask me if I’m jealous, but you’re the one that got all hot and bothered at the table, wishing it was your pussy my fingers were touching. Stop acting like it’s not true. I know you, and I can tell it got to you.”

  She froze. I recognized the look and was fully aware I’d hit a nerve. Kat turned to look at Branch before responding to my rude comment. “I hate you!” Even as a whisper I could hear her loud and clear.

  When she began to walk away I captured her arm. “Kat, wait. I was kidding.”

  She did what anyone in her situation would have done. She walked over and woke my brother, before pulling him out of the room, leaving me to sulk in my own misery.

  It took me a while to come to grips with what had just occurred between us. Snapping wasn’t exactly how I should have responded to her, yet the situation was something I could no longer take back. This wasn’t just a breaking point for me. Kat needed to hear me out, once and for all.

  Entering her dark room was like walking in front of a locked and loaded firing squad. I knew she was angry, and possibly even hurt. The moment I closed the door behind me I rushed to her bedsid
e. “Please don’t cry,” I took her hands, pulling her close to me, while my lips instantly pressed against her face. I could tell from the way she stayed still that she thought I was Branch. Her sobs quieted, and my next comment was only spoken to test the waters. “Don’t be upset because of that asshole.”

  “I just want to forget about this whole day. Please, make me forget,” She begged.

  I’d waited three hundred and sixty five days to be in this situation again. I had a whole year to kick myself for pretending to be my brother, but I couldn’t keep from touching her. Once again I was right back in this predicament, yearning to have what I knew I wasn’t allowed to grasp.

  Kat made the next move, pulling me down on the mattress with her. Our kisses were in sync, and I couldn’t understand how perfect it felt to experience it again. I was patient, taking my time as I ventured over her skin with my gentle hands. Though I tried to fight my fears, I couldn’t deny that my shaking wasn’t from being scared. There were so many reasons I should have pulled away and walked out of the room. I was risking my family once more.

  Restricting myself from this for the past year had only intensified my need. Nothing could have stopped me, not even Branch himself. The more she reacted, the less worrying I did. I’d succumb to the pleasure, and when it was over I’d come clean. I had to because I hated the terrible person that I’d let myself become.

  After we’d made love for the second time, I held her close to me, kissing her on the head. My heart was beating rapidly, and I knew I couldn’t puss out. I’d been living with a lie for far too long. “I love you so much,” I whispered.

  It felt so good to say it that I had to hold back my emotions. For a while I kept my arms around her, unable to rationalize with those words. Kat deserved the truth, but what would it get me? I was kidding myself if I thought we could be together. She’d made her choice, and as much as it pained me to accept, I was aware that I didn’t have a choice. When I climbed out of that bed and went to my room I knew I had to get away from them. I’m not talking about dating other people. I literally needed to walk away from my family so that they could be happy. It was the only way; the only choice I could make. I loved her enough to let her go; to give up hope on us ever being together.

  It took a while for me to fall asleep, and even longer to find the courage to head to her room that next morning. Once again I feared that my brother and parents would be waiting to tear me down to nothing, and once more I was surprised when I found Kat all alone instead.

  She was on her way to the bathroom, bedhead and all. As she came toward the doorway I blocked her from continuing. “Still mad at me?” I had to break the ice in order to feel her out. She wasn’t exactly a morning person.

  “I’m not in the mood for you. My head hurts too bad.”

  When she pushed past me I grabbed her by the waist, pulling her back before she could make it down the stairs. “Go get back in bed. I’ll get you some Tylenol and water.”

  Kat looked at me for only a moment before rolling her eyes and turning to head back into her room. “Whatever.”

  When I went downstairs, I found that I was alone. This was the perfect time to come clean and beg her to forgive me. After I’d obtained some medicine, and a fresh glass of water, I headed back up to confess the truth to the other half of my heart. She didn’t have to forgive me, or even understand why I’d done it, as long as when I walked away from her she knew that I loved her, more than any man had ever loved a woman.

  “Thanks,” she mumbled as I handed her the pills.

  I sat down beside her, trying my best not to think about what we’d done the night before, when she thought I was Branch. I closed my eyes and pushed the thought away. “So, are you still mad?”

  “Are you going to ask me this until I answer?” It was obvious that she was still bitter.

  I placed my hand on her leg. “I can’t have my sister mad at me.” Calling her that made me want to cringe.

  “Get off. I don’t feel good, I told you.”

  I laughed it off, refusing to let her see how much it hurt. “Branch isn’t here, you know. You don’t have to pretend to not care, Kat. Natalie was fun, but that’s it.”

  Kat put her pillow over her head and let out a growl. “Seriously, I don’t want to talk about this.”

  “I’m staying until we talk it out.” If she only knew how hard this was for me, maybe she’d understand why I refused to walk away. I’d come this far.

  “I guess you’ll be here all day then. I’m going back to sleep.” She rolled over, literally giving me the cold shoulder. I felt defeated.

  “I didn’t sleep with her, Kat.” It wasn’t as if I was trying to earn brownie points. I just felt like she needed to know that. “I really need to talk to you about something. Please, just hear me out?”

  She refused to reply.

  Several times I tried to come out with the truth. Each instance I knew what I was about to say was wrong. Kat deserved to live without regret. She’d lost so much already. I couldn’t ruin her, not again.

  Then I had to consider my brother, and our already struggling relationship. I’d put on a brave face, but it was quite obvious his relationship with Kat was coming between us. Without admitting my feelings, I was forced to pretend to be happy for them, at the cost of losing myself each and every night. I hated the sound of them laughing, the sucking noises when they kissed, and even the times when I knew he was sneaking into her room.

  I tried so hard not to listen to their conversations, especially when my brother made her promises I knew he wouldn’t keep. What hurt me worst was knowing that Branch was fully aware of my feelings for Kat. I hadn’t hidden them. He was my twin, yet acted out of his own selfishness to win her heart. What I’d done in her room was wrong, but it wasn’t in vain. Kat needed to feel loved, and that’s exactly what I’d provided her with. If I couldn’t have her forever, at least we’d part on good terms. I’d know what it was like to hold her in my arms and make love to her with all the passion I had in me. Life was about to rip us apart, but I wouldn’t let it cause me to forget.

  With a ton of regret, I left her alone in the room, convinced that leaving was my only option, and I knew exactly how I had to go about it so that no one was able to change my mind. There was no other way to keep the peace. Kat needed my family, probably more than I did. Out of us three kids, I was the strongest. I could handle being out on my own when I knew the two of them wouldn’t be able to.

  My only concern then would be to look her in the eyes and say goodbye, without the whole world seeing right through me.

  Chapter 5

  “Mom, Dad, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

  My mom played with her hands while my dad sat back in his chair trying to figure me out. “Did you get a girl pregnant?” He asked.

  I focused my gaze elsewhere and shook my head, wishing that were the case. “No. It’s not that.” I looked down at the tan carpet, unable to face their reactions. “I’ve enlisted in the Army.”

  “You what?” My mother stood up, grabbing my attention immediately. Tears filled her eyes as she covered her mouth in a natural reaction. “Why?”

  I shrugged. “For a lot of reasons. It doesn’t matter. It’s happening.”

  “Brooks, you’re seventeen.” My father was already trying to find a loophole to get me out of it.

  “By the time I go to boot camp I’ll be eighteen. This is what I want.” For the record it wasn’t what I’d always set out to do, but it was the only way I knew I’d be able to stay away from Kat. “Please don’t fight me on this. I need your support.” With tears in my eyes I watched both of my parents face the hard facts. They couldn’t change what was done. I was going away, taking myself out of the equation before I lost control.

  After our chat, I had to give my brother the news. Honestly, he took it better than anyone, making me upset. His reaction only proved that he still felt threatened by my presence.

  It wasn’t hard to de
al with Branch until Kat entered the room. Then I could feel my heart being tugged in a different way.

  “So, I told Mom and Dad earlier. They know I leave right after graduation.” It was the easiest way to break the ice with Kat; to get a feel of how she would take it.

  “Where are you going?” Her curiosity made the hair on my arms stand up.

  “He enlisted,” Branch announced.

  “What? When?” Kat sat up and stared right into my eyes as if she was having a bad dream. I wasn’t certain, but I sensed more than a friendly concern on her face.

  “Last week, like you care.” I’d been playing a video game with Branch while we talked, and unpaused the game to avoid looking at her for a long period of time. Besides, it made it easier to hide my emotions when I stayed occupied with something else.

  She was quiet for a minute, but I refused to look in her direction. She couldn’t know how much it hurt me to imagine being away from her. She’d never know what it was like to be so close, but feel as if she were miles away. I couldn’t take the agonizing truth anymore. I had to free myself from this hell. It was the only way to stay sane. She was with Branch, who she obviously loved. She’d made her choice, so I had to make mine.

  “We all care. What made you want to do that?”

  “I want to be able to give back to our country, Kat. You’ve got until June to make amends with me,” I said with a snicker.

  “Whether it’s June or next week, it wouldn’t change my opinion of you.”

  I couldn’t handle the truth. Kat didn’t care if I left. She acted like she did, but it was obvious she and Branch wanted me out of their hair. I was holding them back, being the third wheel.

  While standing just outside the room I listened to what they were saying. “That wasn’t nice, babe.” At least my brother had the decency to notice she’d been cold.