Love's Suicide Read online

  Dear Kat,

  If you’re reading this letter then I’ve already left for the Army. Which also probably means that I was too chicken shit to tell you how I really feel about you.

  I don’t even know why I’m writing this, because you’ll probably never come up into this tree house again. In the chance that you do, I need to set things straight, once and for all.

  The first thing you need to know is that from the first day we met, as infants even, I loved you. I can’t remember one day where I didn’t, so it has to mean it’s since birth.

  The second thing you need to know is that I wanted to tell you when we were twelve and had shared our first kiss. I know you remember that night. I pulled you aside and asked you to do it again. I was going to tell you, but I got called in for dinner. That next day you lost your parents and being your friend was more important than any horny kids’ feelings.

  So I waited.

  The thing was, I accidentally told Branch all about it. He told me that you secretly confided in him that you liked him, but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. It was a shitty move, but well played by him. He knew that if I thought you wanted him, I’d back off.

  I waited for the day that you would break up with him, hoping that one day you’d want me instead. After time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Our family was too close, and my parents wouldn’t tolerate a scandal like that, besides the fact that I couldn’t destroy the whole family over it.

  I stepped aside and let him have you. I watched him hold you and kiss you, day after day, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

  One night, I snuck into your room. You thought I was Branch and I didn’t correct you. You asked me to make the pain go away and so I did. I wanted to be that guy that you needed.

  That was when I lost my virginity.

  I’m not sorry about it either, because I know it is something I will never regret.

  You’ll probably hate me now, but that wasn’t the only time it happened. I snuck into your room the next year, on the anniversary of your parent’s death, again. I wanted to be the one to make your tears go away.

  Now that you know the truth, you’ll understand why I had to leave. I want you to be happy with my brother. He’ll treat you right and give you everything you want.

  Maybe when we’re older, with gray hair and lots of children, we can be friends again.

  Until then, know I love you.

  I always have and I always will.

  Love, Brooks

  All I could do was sit there, reading what he’d written to me years ago. My mind was going crazy for more answers. I was desperate to reach out to him, but knew I’d be ruining my happy day with Branch. He’d just proposed to me. I couldn’t just spring something so extreme on him without it causing a major strain on our relationship.

  I sat in the cold tree house rereading the letter, experiencing it like it was the first time, over and over again. Snot was running out of my nose and I knew I was a blubbering mess to look at.

  Finally I got myself together enough to climb down and go back inside. Branch met me at the door, got one look at my face and wanted answers. “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head and thought of the first thing I could to not bring attention to the real reason I was a mess. “I miss my parents. I went out into the tree house and saw the lights on next door. I could see them inside, so happy.”

  He pulled me into his arms, and I felt both relieved to have his support and happy that he’d believed me. It wasn’t like it was a total lie. I had noticed the family next door through the kitchen window, but they’d lived there for a while, and I was used to it being someone else’s.

  Branch took me by the hand and led me upstairs. Once inside of his room, he shut the door with his foot and covered my cheeks with both of his large hands. “I don’t want you sad today, babe. We’re celebrating the birth of Jesus and the future that we’re going to have together.”

  I looked at my ring and it immediately calmed me enough to smile. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  He backed away from me. “How about you take off that dress and come show me how happy you are to be engaged?”

  In that moment I was a bit confused to be honest, albeit I wasn’t about to divulge that type of information to him. Instead I backed up and started slowly taking off my clothes. He was sitting on the bed removing his clothes with all eyes on me.

  When I was standing there, completely naked, he held out his arms, in which I walked over and fell into. Our kisses were slow and he moved his tongue against mine as if we had all the time in the world.

  I could feel his warm hands running up my waist and over my chest. He circled my nipples with his finger and leaned in to caress and touch each one of them. I bit down on my lips and concentrated on every single inch of me that he was handling. When he reached between my legs, I closed my eyes and let the fire ignite. Branch was there, giving me everything that I ever wanted. I cried out when his fingers entered me, and we were finally on the bed together.

  He kissed my abdomen, then my thighs, before trailing his lips over the top of my sex. His mouth lingered over it, brushing it enough for me to yearn for more. Then like every time we were together, he applied protection, moved up and entered me.

  He was almost always on top, not that I minded. I liked wrapping my legs around his back and watching him work up a sweat. Except, only moments later, he was biting on the pillow next to me and finishing.

  Afterwards, I lay there next to him, watching him until he fell asleep. He looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to wake him when I couldn’t get comfortable.

  I dressed into comfortable clothes and roamed around the house until I came to Brooks’ door. It creaked when I opened it and I made sure nobody had heard me before I snuck inside.

  His room had been straightened up, either by Danica or their new cleaning lady that came monthly. It took me a couple minutes to find his art book and turn to the page where I’d found my picture. I traced the lines of my face on the paper and cried to myself, thinking about how different things would have been if my parents hadn’t died that day.

  Then, I went back into the Branch’s room and pulled the letter to me out of the pocket of my dress. I crept back in Brooks’ room and stuck it under his pillow. When or if he came home to visit, he’d know that I’d seen it.

  I knew I couldn’t respond, but needed him to know that I’d found it.

  In my heart I knew that if I’d found that note when he’d wrote it, things may have been different. I wouldn’t have been so vested in my relationship and future with Branch and we could have tried to sort out whatever feelings we had for each other.

  The damage was done.

  I was marrying his brother, because we loved each other and it was the right thing to do. We’d been together for years and no old love letter could change that. Brooks had made his choice. He could have fought for me, but he didn’t. Him giving up on us was the reason I knew I was making the right choice.

  Chapter 6

  May 2010

  I’d been engaged for a little over five months, and in that time, I’d been planning the perfect wedding for Branch and me. He did his best to help me, but as far as details went, he couldn’t care less as long as I was happy.

  Danica helped me most of the time, since I was as close to a real daughter as she’d ever get. I remember when I drove over to spend the weekend at her house and go dress shopping. My friend Melissa from school had come with me. She was familiar with the surrounding areas of D.C. and had grown up close to there herself. I’d met her through my job near the college, and after working together for almost three years we’d become pretty close.

  She was thrilled to have been asked to be in the wedding and I was glad I had her in my life to ask. Of course, Brooks was going to be the best man and knowing that made me feel uneasy. I’d had several dreams where the pastor asked if anyone objected and he did every time.

  Since I’d only received a few messages
since Christmas, I was concerned how it would be once we finally got to see him again.

  Of course time had passed and with that I was able to build a stronger relationship with Branch. My letters to Brooks were nothing but hellos and it made me feel like eventually we’d be able to be around each other without weird feelings.

  Dress shopping was exhausting, and after trying on practically the entire store, I ended up getting the second one. We stopped in town for nice dinner and chatted amongst ourselves until the sun went down.

  It was nice spending time with Danica without any of the men around. I looked forward to doing it more, especially when school was over and we could buy a place of our own. They’d want us to live close once our children were born, so they wouldn’t miss out on seeing them.

  After our long day, we had a few more glasses of wine, and I got Melissa situated in my old room. While making my way to Branch’s, I happened to stop in to Brooks’. I don’t know what made me do it, but I lifted up the pillow and noticed the note was gone. I was overwhelmed with panic and guilt imagining that one of his parents had discovered it and knew our secret.

  I searched his room and couldn’t find it, but refused to make a scene over it.

  That next morning I think Danica knew something was up with me. It was a good thing we had to get back early for a shift, because I had no idea how much longer I could pretend that I wasn’t freaking out.

  The first thing I did when I got home was sit down and write Brooks a letter. I needed to warn him that someone else knew about us being together. If Branch found out, he’d kill him.

  It was hard to explain how I was the one who’d moved the letter and it was all my fault that his private thoughts were exposed.

  Dear Brooks,

  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, and maybe I should have told you a long time ago, but I found your letter in the tree house. Before I make you hate me, I want you to know that your words touched my heart. I don’t hate you for being there for me. I was mad, but I didn’t hate you.

  Look, I took the note to your room and put it under your pillow so you’d find it when you visited. I didn’t know someone else would go in there.

  Now it’s missing and I’m freaking out. Someone knows your secret; our secret.

  Please don’t hate me, Brooks.

  Love, Kat

  PS: Please come home for the wedding. Whatever happens we can explain that it was all in the past. We’re a family and we’ll work through it.

  For the next couple of weeks I was a nervous wreck, trying to stay focused on finals and worry about everything else, including the ticking time bomb that could occur at any time. What made it worse was that Danica had a number to reach Brooks, but I was too afraid, at that point, to ask for it.

  The hardest thing for me was knowing that all of this could blow up in my face and I hadn’t done anything except for kiss him goodbye, which I was pretty sure Branch would forgive me for. All of the sneaking in my room was something I never knew that happened, so it wouldn’t have been fair to hold me accountable for it.

  Okay, I knew that wasn’t true. I had feelings for Brooks that had never gone away, but there are no rules for who you love. I felt the same way for his brother, whom I was marrying.

  Although, a part of me was still very upset with Branch and the way he’d wedged himself into a relationship with me, knowing how his brother felt. It didn’t seem fair and I felt sorry for Brooks.

  Except now, Branch and I had history. We’d been together for years and had a life that we’d planned together. No matter what my feelings about Brooks were, they couldn’t take away everything Branch and I had built.

  I received a letter back from him sixteen days after I sent mine.

  Dear Kat,

  I can see how you’re freaking out right now. You don’t need to be. The person that found the letter isn’t going to say anything, I can assure you of that.

  Maybe if you weren’t always going into my room when you visited, they wouldn’t have went looking.

  Anyway, it doesn’t even matter now. All is good and you can calm down.

  As far as me coming for the wedding, that may be a problem. I’m being deployed in January to Afghanistan and I’ve signed on to stay for two years.

  By the time you get this letter Mom and Dad will already know and I will have made them promise to let me call Branch to tell him the bad news.

  I’m really sorry I can’t be there to see you walk down the aisle. I know you’ll be the most beautiful woman that this world has ever seen.

  Take care of my brother and yourself.

  Love, Brooks

  I sat there crying, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I was in the clear, or that he wouldn’t be coming to the wedding. I missed him and the friendship that we used to have. Melissa was a great friend, but she’d never be the friend Brooks was to me. It was a bond that had grown since we were infants and it was irreplaceable.

  It took Branch two days to realize something was wrong, and a week to tell me about his brother being deployed. I’d been testing him, waiting for him to tell me, and was sort of pissed that he’d kept it from me.

  For the next month I went through the motions of life, knowing something was missing. Finally, I sat Branch down and told him that we couldn’t get married unless Brooks could be there too. It wasn’t fair to leave him out of such a big event that impacted our whole family. We’d done everything together our whole lives and I wasn’t about to start changing things because he was out there defending our country.

  Branch wasn’t happy. In fact, he paced around the room, like life depended on him making a decision. “What do you suggest we do? You want to wait until he returns? I’m not putting our life on hold because of him.”

  I could tell he was angry, albeit I refused to go there knowing it would escalate and be like living in Hell for days. “I say we move up the wedding. Who cares if we’re still in school? We’ll be married six months before we graduate college. It’s one semester, and it won’t kill us. Let’s just do it.”

  Branch turned with a cocky smile on his face, like rushing to the aisle was the best decision that I’d ever had. For a second, I swear I wondered if he was afraid that if it didn’t happen soon, it wasn’t going to happen at all. I also got the vibe that he didn’t care if his brother was in attendance and it didn’t sit well with me.

  He scooped me up in his arms and spun me around the room. “Do you know how happy you make me?”

  I giggled and became caught up in the moment, kissing him lightly on his cheek. “Tell me.”

  “Woman, we can get married tomorrow if you want.”

  He sat me down and I continued laughing as I walked over to the desk and pointed to the mounds of planning that I’d done for our event. “I’ve put too much time into this for it to be at a court house. I want a real wedding.”

  He walked up to me and looked deeply into my eyes. “Fine. Call my mom and get things going. I’ll call Brooks and let him know a date, so he can file for leave.”

  “Christmas. Let’s do it Christmas when he’ll already be home. It’s right before he leaves and he won’t have to worry about getting more time approved.”

  “Fine, I’ll let him know.”

  I stood there staring at him, realizing that he knew Brooks’ number and had been talking to him, but never once mentioned it to me. I would have liked to say hello and hear his voice every once in a while. Instead, I smiled and pretended it didn’t bother me at all. “Sounds great. Tell him hello for me, would ya?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  After speaking to Danica and making lots of calls to get our venue changed in such short notice, we were able to find a local hotel to hold the wedding at. The date was set for December 22, 2010 and it was all falling into place.

  I got my next letter in the beginning of July and reading it got me a little worked up.

  Katy,

  I’m all set to be home for the wedding and the holidays. I’m sure
you’ve been real busy planning that dream day that you always wanted. I’ll be home on the 20th, but have arranged to get fitted here in Texas and have the company call the measurements in to the local rental place in town. Branch said he’d pick it up when he gets his.

  You’re probably worried about everything going perfectly.

  Don’t.

  You’ll be the life of the party and everything will be perfect. Your mom and dad would be so proud of you, for all that you’ve accomplished.

  I’ll see you in a couple of months.

  Don’t bite your nails. You need them to be perfect for the wedding.

  Love, Brooks

  Knowing that I didn’t have a number to call, I started writing him a message. Then I crumbled it up and decided that I was going to call, even if I had to sneak the number from my fiancé’s phone.

  So that night, I waited for him to fall asleep and walked over to his side of the bed where he kept it on the charger. I grabbed the phone and took it into the living room, in case he’d saved it under something different to make it harder to find.

  I found it in seconds, seeing that, according to the call log, they’d been talking weekly for months. I felt betrayed, like Branch was keeping it from me on purpose.

  I quickly wrote down the number and transferred it to my phone, returning his before he could wake up and notice it was missing.

  It was hard sleeping that night knowing I was only hours away from hearing his voice. It had been so long, and I missed my best friend more than words could explain. The fact that Branch was keeping us apart hurt me. Did he really not trust us together?

  Then I laid there, thinking about being alone with Brooks.

  Suddenly I realized why Branch had every right to worry.

  The last time I’d been alone with Brooks we’d kissed and I would have done more if we hadn’t come to our senses.

  Then I became mad at myself.

  If I wasn’t able to control my emotions and feelings around Brooks, then being around him was a bad idea. I had to remind myself that things happen for a reason and I was with the right man, no matter what his methods were for getting us together. In some ways, he’d stolen me from Brooks. I’d probably never forgive him for that, but the damage was done. Branch was my first and he was going to be my last. Our marriage would finalize that for us, and no one, not even Brooks, would come between us.