Love's Suicide Read online

  “Well look at what the cat dragged in.” Branch came walking in with his arms full of boxes. He sat them down in a chair and walked over to greet his brother. I was actually in shock that he seemed genuinely happy to see him. They hugged, before Branch backed up and put his arm around me. “It’s real good to see you, bro.”

  Brooks smiled. “Yeah, you too.”

  I watched as his parents took their turns hugging and checking out that their son was really standing in front of us in one piece.

  While they seemed occupied, I took it upon myself to walk away and catch a breather. I didn’t know why, but something felt wrong, as if it was rehearsed.

  I grabbed the boxes and started carrying them into the banquet hall.

  Once inside, I sat down on a chair and tried to calm down. For a couple moments I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. The room was spinning all around, and I had to put my head between my knees to stop it.

  I heard the door open and someone approaching me, but I didn’t look up to see who it was.

  Danica sat down beside me and put her hand on my head. “Just breathe.”

  “What’s happening to me? My chest feels tight and I can’t catch my breath.”

  “You’re having an anxiety attack.” She pulled me into her arms and started rubbing the back of my hair. “Just take nice even breaths and focus on one thing. Block everything else out.”

  I tried doing as she said, but the room was still spinning. “I think I’m going to pass out.”

  “You won’t.”

  After ten minutes, when I still wasn’t feeling better, she helped me up to my room and removed my shoes while I laid down on the bed. She pulled the covers over me and got me a damp towel for my head. “You’ve gotten yourself so worked up. We need to get you feeling better before dinner time.” I watched her walk over and grab something out of her purse. “Take one of these. It will help.”

  I put it in my mouth and accepted the plastic cup of water to swallow it down with. “What is it?”

  “Xanax. It’s for anxiety. In a couple of minutes you’ll start to feel better.”

  She sat with me and held my hand until I finally started to relax. All of the sudden I felt so tired. “I can’t fall asleep. There’s too much to do.”

  Danica leaned down and kissed my forehead. “You need to rest. There are plenty enough people here to take care of things while you get yourself feeling better.”

  I don’t know why I said it, but the words came blubbering out. “Make sure they don’t fight with each other.”

  For some reason she knew exactly who I was talking about. “Katy, I don’t think anyone could predict what those two will do. For the sake of the wedding, they’ve both agreed to behave.”

  “Thank you.” I closed my eyes and let myself rest.

  I woke up to someone coming into my room. Melissa left her stuff at the door and plopped down on the bed next to me. “What are you doing sleeping? We’ve got celebrating to do.”

  I sat up and noticed that I’d been asleep for nearly three hours. “I had an anxiety attack. It was horrible. I felt like I was dying.”

  “Girl, I used to get them. You’ve got to stay calm.”

  “Danica gave me a Xanax. I fell asleep and it’s gone now.”

  She reached over and hugged me. “I’m so excited for you. I already saw Branch, and I met that fine ass brother-in-law to be. You were right. They are identical, but different. Do you think he’d like to have a good time with a complete stranger for a weekend?”

  I felt like my closest friend had just kicked me in the face. It shouldn’t have bothered me. I’d been living with and was marrying his brother. Brooks didn’t belong to me, not that he ever did. “You’ll have to ask him yourself.”

  I walked into the bathroom to freshen up and sat down on the toilet, covering my face with my hands. I was jealous of Melissa saying Brooks was hot.

  What was wrong with me?

  She waited for me to come back out, and then we headed out to find the guys. I spotted Branch first, because Brooks had changed from his uniform to regular civilian clothing. He smiled when he saw me approaching, but I quickly turned my attention to Branch.

  He asked Melissa what she wanted and went up to get us drinks. Brooks leaned over and asked, “Are you feeling better?”

  Why hadn’t my fiancée asked me that? “Yes, thanks.”

  “Nerves got the best of you, I assume.” He took a sip of his beer and stared at a game on the television, instead of looking at me.

  It was probably better, since Branch was heading over with a round of drinks for all of us. “Thanks,” I said as I grabbed mine out of his hand.

  “We can have one drink before we need to meet in the restaurant for dinner,” Branch explained.

  We stood around mingling, and finally things started to feel alright. Aside from Melissa staring at Brooks and him actually speaking to her, I was in a good mood. Branch seemed happy to have his brother home, and it was almost like old times.

  We headed to dinner and sat at a large table with his parents. Brooks told stories of being in boot camp and things him and his buddies did to make the time go by faster. He talked about his upcoming deployment and what his job would be while he was gone.

  I could see that it bothered Danica, knowing he was basically being shipped into a war-zone. I knew how she felt, because I was worried about him too.

  While he spoke and everyone listened, I caught him catching my gaze every once in a while, and each time I got butterflies.

  I hated myself for it, because I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t stop it.

  To make myself feel better, I held Branch’s leg under the table, reminding him and myself that we were the couple everyone was there for.

  After dinner, we met the pastor to go over the ceremony. We hadn’t planned anything special, but were expecting one hundred people and wanted the wedding to be pretty as well as quick, so we could get to the celebration afterwards.

  Melissa was going to sing a song, and Danica was going to read a verse from Corinthians. Aside from that, we were going with traditional vows, because Branch insisted on it.

  During the practice run, the pastor was going over where the guys would be standing. Accidentally, he grabbed Brooks and stood him with me. Branch hurried and corrected him, but my heart had already felt that pull again, seeing him standing there for that second and looking into my eyes, like he belonged there instead of his brother.

  The worst part about it was I felt it too.

  I went through the motions of the rehearsal, but after that happened, I was at a loss for words. While everyone in attendance was laughing, I was crying inside and had to avoid looking at either of the guys, in fear of them seeing right through me.

  I couldn’t ruin things.

  I was so close to having my forever with Branch.

  What was happening to me? Why couldn’t I compose myself?

  As the questions rolled through my mind, I felt the anxiety becoming heightened again.

  Thankfully, the rehearsal was over and everyone retreated back to the bar.

  Once we were all standing around having drinks, I settled down and started enjoying myself again. Melissa continued to hit on Brooks, but I was determined to let it go, because it wasn’t my business.

  Branch seemed thrilled that Melissa was digging her paws into his brother. He’d even made lewd comments implying that he had a nice room upstairs. When he told her Brooks’ room number, I was shocked. I laughed with everyone else, but I caught his eyes looking at me again.

  My smile disappeared and I knew that this was exactly what Branch had been worried about.

  The time apart hadn’t made things go away between me and Brooks. For me, they were stronger and the more I tried to fight them and look forward to my wedding, the more drawn I was to figuring out why I couldn’t let Brooks go.

  It was going to be a long night, and all I could hope for was that I drank myself out of all my irrati
onal thoughts and woke up tomorrow prepared to spend the rest of my life with Branch.

  Chapter 9

  We’d been drinking steadily for nearly two hours, and it was getting close to midnight. Branch was getting belligerent, joking and making fun of strangers that were around us.

  His parents had called it a night hours ago, probably guessing that us all hanging out was going to end in catastrophe. I think Brooks and I both knew that pretty soon he’d start running his mouth about us and we couldn’t let that happen.

  I followed Melissa into the ladies room to tell her that our night was going to end abruptly.

  She wasn’t upset. “I asked Brooks if he wanted company.” She leaned over and re-applied her lip-gloss. “He told me we could hang out later.”

  I’d never wanted to punch my friend, but for some reason, it’s all I could think about doing. I didn’t want her hands touching on Brooks. I knew he wasn’t a saint and he’d probably been with plenty of women by now, but it still didn’t make me feel better with it being one of my friends.

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I said while trying to keep my emotions under control.

  I hated myself for feeling the way I was. The only person I was hurting was myself. He needed to be with Melissa, so that I could have closure. It would be the best for everyone involved. She was a nice girl, and with her strawberry blonde hair and pretty blue eyes, she was always getting compliments. I knew he had to find her attractive.

  She turned to face me. “How do I look?”

  “Hot,” I finally said while smiling. It wasn’t a lie. She looked stunning.

  She adjusted her cleavage and took another look in the mirror. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

  I held the door open for her, thinking of how to respond. It didn’t matter anyway, because Branch was up in the face of another bar patron. Brooks had jumped up and pushed him away from the guy with ease, but he was still going off at the mouth, yelling profanities across the bar.

  “Alright, bro. It’s time for you to call it a night, man.”

  I walked up to him and grabbed his hand. He was so drunk that he fell on top of me. His weight was too much, and luckily Brooks grabbed the other side of him. I turned to Melissa. “I’ll see you back at the room?”

  She smiled and pointed to Brooks’ back. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.”

  I cringed when I turned around, but only focused on getting Branch to the elevator. When we got inside, he started singing at the top of his lungs. “Going to the chapel and I’m gonna get married.”

  I couldn’t look at Brooks as we basically dragged his brother to his room. After reaching inside of his back pocket, I found his room key and opened the door. Brooks carried him in and tossed him on the bed. “Don’t leave me baby. Give me some love before you go.”

  I swatted his hand away. “I can’t stay, Branch. It’s bad luck.”

  He motioned for me to go. “Then get the fuck out. I knew I should have gotten strippers.”

  I couldn’t believe he’d said something so hurtful to me, and Brooks didn’t seem too happy about it either. He slapped his brother upside his head. “Be respectful, you drunk piece of shit. That woman is going to be your wife tomorrow. Don’t talk to her like that.”

  Branch rolled over on his back. He pulled his knees up and started laughing. “Listen to you, standing up for her still. Do you know how many times I’ve been inside of her? She’s never going to be yours now. I marked her.”

  I felt another stab in my heart, while hearing him talk to Brooks about me that way.

  Brooks pointed toward the door. “Go outside and wait for me.”

  “But I-”

  He pointed again. “Kat, go outside. Now!”

  I looked back at Branch, who was watching me leave. “In twenty-four hours you’ll be my wife, Katy. Don’t forget it!”

  Once outside of the room, I could hear Brooks yelling at him for disrespecting me. It wasn’t just because it was Brooks either. Had Walt heard his son talking to me like that, he would have killed him with his bare hands.

  I sank down to the floor in the hall and tried not to listen to them. It was a terrible idea to think that everything was going to go smoothly, and if I wasn’t already feeling anxious about the wedding, Branch’s words were like a nail in the coffin.

  What kind of man, who is supposedly in love with a woman, speaks to her that way on the night before they are wed?

  By the time Brooks came out I was in tears. He held his hand out to help me up. “I’m really sorry about that. He didn’t mean it.”

  We started walking toward his room. I pulled my hand away from his and crossed my arms over my chest. “People say the truth when they’re drunk.”

  “Not all the time. His issues are with me.”

  I stopped walking, causing him to stop as well. “Maybe I shouldn’t go through with it?”

  His face changed before my eyes. I saw pain when I looked at him, and it was almost like I could feel it radiating through me. “Don’t say things like that.”

  “No. I mean it. I’ve been having all these feelings and I can’t shake them.”

  We started walking again until we came to his room number. “This is me.” He looked down at his key card. “Listen, get some sleep and things will be all better tomorrow. You can marry Branch and start your happy lives together.”

  He started to open his door and the words blurted out of my mouth unexpectedly. “Do you still love me, Brooks?”

  He leaned his head on the door and closed his eyes. I wanted him to look at me, but he wouldn’t turn around. “Don’t do this, Kat. You’ve been drinking and you’re upset at Branch.”

  “It’s a yes or no answer.”

  He finally turned around. “It changes nothing.”

  My bottom lip started to quiver, and I could feel myself breaking down. I was standing in front of someone that I’d been in love with for as long as I could remember. Every time we’d touched, even when I didn’t know it was him, it was intense. We had this connection and it pulled me toward him, no matter how much I fought it.

  I closed my eyes and let the next question come directly from my heart. “What if I don’t know how to stop loving you?”

  Time stood still as I looked up into his baby-blues and peered into his soul. His eyes started to get glossy and he bit down on his lip, while pondering how to respond to me. I covered my mouth and started crying again. Brooks pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. “You have to.”

  I cried harder. “I can’t.”

  He pulled my face up with his hands. “You have to, Kat. You can’t do this now. Your future is already determined. The choice was made years ago. There’s no going back.”

  I closed my eyes and thought back to when I knew he was leaving. He’d asked me for a good bye and I’d given it to him, with no regard for any consequences. “Fine. If it has to be that way, kiss me goodbye. Kiss me for all the years we’ve lost and all the ones we’ll never have together. Kiss me and make me forget that every moment without you in my life crushes me.”

  “No!” He pushed me away like I was diseased. “Please don’t do this.” Brooks ran his hands through his hair and started pacing around the hallway. “We can’t go there.”

  Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could taste the salt on my lips. When he finally stopped to look at me, I could see him considering. “Please, Brooks. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I need to feel it one last time. Just make this pain go away, because I’m suffocating in it.”

  His brow creased. “And you think I’m not? My God, Kat, I left the state because I couldn’t watch you with him for another second. You think it’s hurting you? How do you think I felt when that pastor put me in his place? Do you know how hard it was for me to not announce to everyone in the room that I belonged there and it wasn’t a mistake?”

  My sobs were continuous as I stared right at him. “What am I supposed to do, Brooks? It’s too late. You should have fo
ught for me back then. You should have told me how you felt. Branch said you didn’t like me that way. How could I have known?”

  “Because you felt it in here.” He pointed to my heart and kept his hand there. “Because deep inside you knew how I felt about you. It was never a secret. I worshipped the ground you walked on. When you were sad, I was there. Not him! I was the one to wipe away your tears. You should be wearing that God damn dress for me, not my brother!” He was so angry, and it was pouring out of him. When he turned to face me, he had tears falling down his face. “You broke my heart, Kat. You pushed me away, like an old toy. That’s why I stopped hanging out with you. It’s why I stopped wanting to do things and stayed by myself. Do you know what it was like to hear you and him sneaking around together? How do you think it made me feel?”

  I was crying so bad that I could barely see him. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

  He threw his arms in the air. “You didn’t know? How could you not know? Even my fucking parents knew. Don’t tell me that you lived in the same house with me and saw me every single day, but were oblivious to how I felt about you?”

  “I swear, it’s true.”

  He started pulling out his key card again. “You know what? It doesn’t even matter now. There is no us. You’ve never really been mine and I’ve spent the last few years being okay with that.” He opened his door, but didn’t go inside. “I’m not going to kiss you, because it won’t get us anywhere, and you’d be cheating on my brother. No matter how much of an asshole he is, you’re marrying him in less than twenty-four hours. I can’t go back there again. It hurt too fucking much the first time, and it’s going to take everything I have in me to get through tomorrow.” He looked down and then back to me. He’d stopped crying and just seemed annoyed at the situation. “I think we should just call it a night and start over in the morning.”

  I stood there watching his door close with him inside and me standing in the hallway.

  Seconds passed and he never opened the door again. All I could do was walk away. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to be so upset about Brooks, and after Branch’s rude statements I couldn’t even think about him without cringing.